


More Than Just a Fuck

by demon_of_the_devil



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Alternate Universe, Alternate Universe - Human, Anal Beads, Anal Sex, F/M, Foreplay, M/M, Oral Sex, Rough Sex, Sex
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2014-06-17
Updated: 2014-10-23
Packaged: 2018-02-05 02:12:36
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 13
Words: 23,875
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1801612
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/demon_of_the_devil/pseuds/demon_of_the_devil
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>At the age of 18, Sam Wincester went to a gay bar because he was curious about his sexuality and wanted to try things out. There he met 26-year-old Gabriel Novak who seemed to be very interested in the boy, and, with his arrogance and weird sense of humor, he quickly won Sam's heart. The two of them started hooking up regularly but now, a year later, Sam's feelings are making it difficult for him to keep it going so he decides it's finally time for them to say goodbye.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. I Always Come When You Call

**Author's Note:**

> This story is based on a roleplay I once had, which means some of the credit goes to my dear roleplay partner whom I, unfortunately, don't have the name of. This goes for Sam's part in the first three chapters of this fanfiction, though I have edited some of it. There are things I have cut out and things I've added but she deserves credit for half the plot, at least for now. 
> 
> Also, there will be smut - hopefully a lot of it, but not in the first few chapters. 
> 
> And I finally got a beta so I corrected the mistakes she found. A huge thank to Kete whom you can find here: https://www.fanfiction.net/u/3293038/Kete-Hlin

It was Tuesday night and Gabriel was sitting alone in his appartment, zapping through the channels for the fourth time, but he still couldn’t find anything interesting to watch. Groaning in frustration, he threw the remote aside and stared out the window with a rather dramatic expression on his face.

Sure he could go out, that was always a possibility, but he didn’t really feel like it tonight. Buying drinks, dancing and flirting with strangers. It required too much energy and then it wasn’t even guaranteed that he’d get a good fuck out of it afterwards. Of course he could always call Sam. The boy showed up whenever he asked him to. But it was a school night, and Gabriel knew he would be studying, being the nerd that he was. He guessed that was the disadvantage of messing around with a kid.

However, after a few moments’ consideration, Gabriel reached for his phone and typed out a text message:

_[‘Sup, kiddo? You free tonight?] -GN_

Less than two minutes later, his phone beeped. Sam had replied.

_[Not tonight, I have a test to study for] -SW_

Gabriel frowned, though he had kind of expected it. But he didn’t plan on giving up that easily.

_[Study later.] -GN_

_[Says you who don't have grades to think about.] -SW_

God, he really was a nerd.

_[Come on, Sammy. I want you.] -GN_

_[The only time you text me is when you want me, Gabriel.] -SW_

_Rude_ , he thought, though he knew Sam had a point. It was always Gabriel who made the call or sent the message, never the other way around. Gabriel figured it was because Sam was busy at college, but there was probably more to it than that.

_[Is that a problem?] -GN_

_[No, you just have crap timing.] - SW_

Gabriel was just about to mention how he hadn’t seen Sam for _three days_ and if he didn’t get to fuck him right then he’d have to find someone else, but before he could even think it through, another message came in.

_[Look, give me 20 minutes and I'll try and sneak out okay? God knows I don't want you sulking like a 12 year old if I say no.] - SW_

Gabriel smirked at his phone; there was absolutely nothing he loved more than getting his way.

_[Now that's more like it.] -GN_

_[Yeah, yeah, well you don’t have your brother interrogating you in the middle of the night, asking where you’re going. He's onto me, you know.] -SW_

_[You’re on campus, aren’t you? He’ll never know.] -GN_

_[He’s still suspicious from the times I’ve snuck out from home. He calls me at the most inappropriate times.] -SW_

_[Not my problem, kiddo. Why are you making such a big deal out of it anyway? I thought you said you didn't care what he thinks.] -GN_

_[_ _I don't, but I do have an issue with him finding out who you are because he’ll hunt you down and beat the crap out of you.] -SW_

Gabriel huffed and rolled his eyes.

_[Sounds like a pleasant guy. As long as he's not as huge as you I'm sure I can handle him.] -GN_

_[He is nice... When you’re not taking away his little brother’s innocence.] -SW_

Gabriel smiled to himself, but he didn’t reply. A few minutes later, Sam sent him another text.

_[I'm at the park now, so hurry and pick me up, it’s starting to rain out here] -SW_

Gabriel picked up the remote again and turned off the TV, typing out his reply on his way out the door.

_[Got it.] -GN_

 

* * *

 

Sam shivered as he waited outside the park anxiously; it was almost 11 pm and the air was cold and damp, biting its way through his too thin jacket. Truthfully, this wasn't the first time he’d left campus in the middle of the night, and Dean and his dad had taught him multiple times how to defend himself in a fight, but still he always got nervous. Most of this fear came from the slight possibility that Dean for some reason might turn up and see Gabriel. God have mercy on Gabriel’s soul if that scenario ever were to happen. But he was probably just paranoid. Dean was protective but not insane; he wouldn’t possibly spy on him like that, so he pushed the thought aside and instead focused on his night with Gabriel.

This whole arrangement had started about a year ago when Sam’s own sexuality and curiosity got the better of him and he used a fake ID to get into a gay bar. Gabriel had bought him a drink and made a cheeky remark about wanting to pop his cherry which, of course, had pissed Sam off; he wasn’t _that_ young. Despite all of that, the older man had charmed him and after their first night together, they had started seeing each other regularly. At first they didn't do anything other than talk and make out on the couch, but it quickly evolved into just plain sex. Not that they were in a relationship. It was more of a friends with benefits kind of deal, except Sam wasn’t even sure he could call them friends. Gabriel was always the one to call him whenever he was in the mood for a hookup – not the other way around, and Sam was pretty sure he was seeing other people as well.

Now, the arrangement wasn’t exactly going the way Sam wanted it to. He would never admit it, but this was starting to hinder him rather than be beneficial; he'd agreed to it at first because he figured it would be a safe way to explore his sexuality and push his own boundaries as Gabriel never pressured him into doing anything he didn't want to do and always used protection. And Sam had honestly been okay with it just being about sex. _Had been_. Things had changed now, to the point where he wanted to end it. The whole thing was starting to hurt him emotionally because he really did like Gabriel and surely the feelings weren’t mutual. Whenever Sam brought up their arrangement even in the most subtle way, Gabriel was quick to ask if he had a problem with it and Sam always clammed up, partly because he didn't want to upset the other and partly because he was afraid he was going to regret saying whatever words would leave his mouth.   Several months had passed where Sam didn’t really know what to do and he felt himself getting more and more attached to the older man. He knew it was stupid and he knew Gabriel would never return his feelings, but he just couldn’t get himself to break it off with him. That was mostly because he now knew Gabriel well enough that if he broke it off , Gabriel  wouldn’t  try to get him to stay; not even  for  one last night, because that just wasn’t Gabriel. He didn’t beg and he sure as hell didn’t let his emotions show, which was probably the thing Sam found most infuriating about the man, among a lot of other things.

Now, a year after this had all started, Sam was pretty sure he had what it took to end it with Gabriel. He had recently realized that he was indeed in love with someone who thought of him as nothing more than a fuck buddy. And he just couldn’t let that happen, knowing it would break him if he let it go too far.

That was why he’d made a decision; tonight would be their last night together. Gabriel wouldn’t know; not until it was too late, because Sam needed this night. He needed closure. But if he told Gabriel before the sex, the man wouldn’t let it happen, Sam knew that. He was way too concerned about Sam’s wellbeing to do it. Before the older man arrived, Sam promised himself that he’d make sure it was going to be a great night. He wouldn’t let Gabriel’s ability to make him angry ruin the last time they’d ever sleep together. Or, well, at least he would try.

Minutes later, it was raining so heavily that Sam was soaked to the bone in no time. And he was pissed. Not really because of the rain, but because he knew Gabriel could have been there by now if only he wasn’t so stuck-up. That was another thing Sam hated about him.


	2. Piss Me Off, Feel Me Up

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I didn't originally plan on publishing this so soon but here you have chapter two. Again, I can't take off the credit as this is based on a roleplay.

Gabriel walked through his apartment, humming small melodies to himself. He sat down, bum on the floor, to put on his shoes as if he had all the time in the world. As he’d put on his jacket, he had finally run out of excuses to stay in the apartment and headed out to his car to pick Sam up, though not immediately. He took his time to pull out a cigarette and a lighter from his breast pocket and sat there, one hand holding the steering wheel loosely, the other holding his lit cigarette which he occasionally took a drag from. Sam had asked him to hurry up, but Gabriel didn't care; in fact, he had a habit of doing exactly the opposite of what people told him to, just for the sake of pissing them off. With Sam it was even more exciting because their sex was always about ten times better whenever he was in a bad mood and Gabriel knew the boy was impatient. The fact that it was starting to rain made it even better.

After a few minutes of doing absolutely nothing other than smoke, Gabriel backed the car out from the parking spot in front of his apartment and drove towards the park. On the way over there, a not so unfamiliar thought crossed his mind; was this all a huge mistake? When he'd first met Sam, he had hoped for a one night stand, but the boy seemed too young and insecure so Gabriel never complained about them taking it slow. That was one thing he'd promised himself right from the start; he’d never put pressure on Sam, not just because he was young and seemingly innocent but because it wouldn’t be right. Still, they kept seeing each other and Gabriel quickly discovered that maybe the kid wasn't as innocent as he’d first thought. He vaguely thought of breaking it off with him, but he knew he'd never do it. Gabriel wasn't stupid; he could see how hard it was on Sam and he guessed knowing that but still holding on made him a selfish bastard. He wanted Sam to want this just as much as he did and to some extent, he knew the boy did, just not in the long run. And he knew in his heart that he had to make sure the kid knew what he was doing before they took this too far.

When he finally pulled up at the curb right in front of the park, he threw his cigarette butt on the ground and waited for Sam to enter the car. As expected, the boy looked as though he was capable of murder. He didn’t hesitate to slam the car door in annoyance when he got in, soaked to the bone; his jacket and hoodie hadn't done much good to protect him from the downpour, so his hair was sticking in clumps to his face and neck.

"Hey, careful with the door," Gabriel said a bit sharply, shooting Sam a glance as he sat down on the passenger seat, but he couldn't help smiling to himself as he got exactly the reaction he'd hoped for which made Sam roll his eyes.

"I told you to hurry up, not take the scenic route," he huffed as he grabbed his seatbelt and put it on, then looked away from Gabriel.

Starting the car again, Gabriel turned his attention back to the road and they drove in silence. He could see the drops from Sam's hair fall into his lap out of the corner of his eye and smirked. "Getting all wet for me, are you? I like that," he commented.

"Shut up" Was the response but there was no sign of anger in the other’s voice.

When they stopped by a red light, Gabriel slipped his hand into Sam’s lap to stroke his thigh softly, his fingers awfully close to the boy’s crotch. Sam didn’t do anything to acknowledge it but his breathing, Gabriel could hear, was a little heavier than before.

As the light turned green, Gabriel moved his hand from Sam's thigh to the gearshift, but whenever he got the chance, it would slip right back, soon rubbing at his inner thigh. Neither of them said anything for the rest of the car ride. Gabriel enjoyed the silence and he could tell that the other didn't mind it either.

When the car was parked, Gabriel got out without a single word, locked the door and jogged inside to avoid getting soaked. He didn’t look back at Sam but left the door open for him. By the time he reached his front door on the second floor, he could hear Sam at the bottom of the stairs, but, again, he didn't care to wait and went inside without him.

To be honest, Gabriel had no idea why he did this; left Sam behind. Surely part of it was to piss him off, but the other was so used to this rather rude behavior by now that he didn’t get much out of it.

The first thing Gabriel did when he was inside was to strip out of his clothes, carelessly losing them piece by piece on his way into the kitchen. By the time he reached the counter, he was only wearing his boxers which he decided to keep on for a change. He used his hands to lift himself up on the counter, legs swinging and his heels occasionally bumping against the cupboards underneath him. A pack of cigarettes lay next to him and he lit one up, blowing smoke into the air as he waited for Sam.

Moments later, he could hear a door slam closed and something that sounded like Sam shrugging off his jacket. When Sam walked in, he was dressed in only his jeans and a thin t-shirt. He walked over to settle his body between Gabriel’s legs as he plucked the cigarette from the other’s mouth and kept it out of his reach. Sam hated it when Gabriel smoked, so of course he smoked more than ever when the younger boy was around.

"Those are bad for you, you're going to get lung cancer or something if you carry on," he said with a huff, though he wasn't nearly as irritated as he would usually be, and Gabriel couldn’t help but wonder why.

"You should quit while you’re ahead, but, knowing you, you'll do the exact opposite of what I tell you to anyway... Stubborn bastard."

The last two words came out affectionately and Gabriel felt something move inside him but he pushed it away, forcing himself to turn his focus back to the man in front of him, wet hair hanging on his face and wet t-shirt clinging to his rather well-trained body.

He'd managed to take a last drag of the cigarette right before Sam took it out of his mouth and blew smoke right into the other’s face. Whether he was confirming Sam's theory about him being a stubborn bastard or just trying to annoy the fuck out of him, he didn't know, but it didn't matter much anyway. Sam, however, just coughed a few times and glared back at him, for once not making a big deal out of it. Again, Gabriel wondered why. Was there something special about tonight?

But he didn’t try to get the cigarette back; it wasn’t at all that interesting anymore, so he let Sam throw it in the sink without any complaints. Pulling himself closer to the edge, he reached out and lifted Sam's t-shirt over his head before carelessly tossing it on the floor. Sam helped by willingly lifting his arms over his head to let him remove it, but it wasn’t as easy as they could have hoped, considering how wet it was.

As soon as the t-shirt was off, Gabriel looked at the boy in admiration, hands caressing his chest, and then leaned in to press a kiss to the corner of his mouth and continuing along his jawline. When he reached his ear he started sucking on a spot right beneath it, knowing it drove Sam crazy. True enough, the boy’s eyes fluttered closed at the soft kisses, his breath catching in his throat as the other assaulted the sensitive spot right under his ear. Gabriel loved exploiting all of the places on Sam that made him crazy and he spent a lot of time doing so.

"Gabe..." Sam got out breathlessly, his hands groping at the other’s hips as he felt his body heat up and his cock get hard because of all the teasing.

"Mhmm?" Muttered Gabriel against Sam's exposed skin as he moved further down to his neck and continued the sucking. It was more a way to get Sam to feel the tickling against his skin than it was a response to him saying his name. He loved Sam like this; all hot and vulnerable, ready to do almost anything Gabriel asked him to, though knowing that the man would never abuse this privilege. His hands were still moving over Sam's bare chest, wanting to feel every inch of him like he hadn't already done it a million times before, but eventually they reached his waistband and, hooking his fingers in Sam's belt, Gabriel pulled him in closer.

 


	3. Leave Me Broken

Several minutes and about three hickeys later, Gabriel finally pulled away just enough to look Sam in the eyes. He did that often to make sure that Sam wanted this as much as he did and so far he always had, but tonight Gabriel saw a glimpse of something else in the man’s hazel eyes; something he hadn’t seen before, and though he’d always been good at reading people, he wasn’t sure about this. All he knew was that it definitely wasn’t a good sign.

Before Gabriel had time to say anything, Sam reached up and grabbed a hold of his hair very gently and pulled him down for a kiss, passionate as usual. It was a bit of a surprise, because the taste of nicotine would usually be off putting for him and he’d force Gabriel to either brush his teeth or kiss him somewhere else but yet again Gabriel got away with it.

Out of habit and simply because he wanted to, Gabriel returned the kiss instantly and with much passion. He let their tongues battle for dominance for a few more minutes before his conscience got the better of him and he rested his forehead against Sam’s, looking into his eyes with a rather serious expression.

"Sam..." He started out, his breathing a little heavy from their making out session. "As much as I want to fuck you right now, I need to ask you something. Are you okay with this?"

What the hell am I doing? He thought. Gabriel hadn't meant to ask him that. As a matter of fact, he'd planned to ignore the voices in his head entirely and just enjoy the ride for as long as Sam allowed him to, but he cared for the kid. Not that he wanted to, but he did. And whatever he’d seen in his eyes before, it wasn’t good and he felt like he needed to know that Sam wanted this as much as he did.

Sam blinked at that and just stared, looking like that was the last thing he’d wanted Gabriel to say. A few moments passed in silence and then Sam sighed.

"That all depends on what you mean," he said. He couldn't look the other in the eye at first, because this was not going to be easy for him to say in any way, shape or form.

"I don't mind the sex, Gabriel. I don't have an issue with it..." He trailed off and it didn’t look like he was going to continue all by himself.

"But..?" Added Gabriel, his voice was soft. He was running a hand up and down Sam's arm soothingly as a way of encouraging him to go on, though he already had a feeling that this was how it was going to end. He was going to be dumped by a teenager. A 19-year-old, for fuck’s sake. This wasn’t right.

Gabriel lifted his head again to look at Sam properly and bit his lip, truly caring about whatever the boy might have to say, whatever it might mean for their arrangement. Surprisingly enough, it wasn't hard for him at all to look calm, but inside he could feel himself getting nervous; he didn't want this to end but by the way Sam was looking at him, it sure seemed like that was how it would go. Perhaps he should just have kept quiet.

"...I can't keep doing this" Said Sam with another sigh. "Look it’s not anything you did and it’s definitely not the sex.” He paused for a moment and then continued. “Gabriel, you've been more than patient with me ever since we started this and you've always been good to me, but… I don't want to lie to my family anymore and I want a real relationship, not just... This, whatever it is." He said, making wild hand gestures between the two of them. "You are an amazing guy and you taught me a lot, but we both want different things... And you’ve said it yourself; you’re not the settling down type. I want to at least try to have a long and serious relationship with someone... But in order for me to do that you and I have to stop seeing each other."

Gabriel listened closely to every word he said, not even thinking about interrupting him. He needed to hear the truth no matter how hard it was. While Sam talked, Gabriel removed both of his hands from him, instead placing them firmly on the counter on each side of his own body and clutched around the edge. When it seemed like the other had nothing more to say, Gabriel nodded slowly, forcing a smile.

"It's okay, kiddo. I knew this wouldn't last. Hell, I didn't even think I wanted it to." Gently pushing Sam away, he jumped down from the counter and started pacing the small kitchen as he felt restless, running his hands through his hair. After having walked back and forth a few times, he stopped up, turning back to Sam.

"You can go now if you want," he said, no sign of anger in his voice, "I'll make sure to lose your number."

This was the last thing Gabriel had wanted, and he knew now that this had been Sam’s plan the whole night; to fuck one last time and then leave. It didn’t make him angry, though, he understood Sam’s decision. He wasn’t able to give him what he deserved and so it was best they just stopped seeing each other. Gabriel had always wondered how Sam put up with him and now he finally saw for himself that Sam couldn’t.

Moments later, Gabriel heard feet move on the floor, probably Sam picking up his clothes, and then a voice spoke.

“Thank you. For everything.”

Gabriel didn’t respond or turn around to look at him one last time. Soon he heard the sound of a door closing, then another one. Sam was gone. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> It may not seem like it right now, but I promise there will be smut very soon.


	4. Moving On

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> From now on this is no longer from the roleplay. Stupid as I am, I lost the document ages ago so the following chapters are 100 % mine. 
> 
> And I'm very sorry for the lack of smut and the extremely bad drunken dialogue. 
> 
> Again, thanks to my wonderful beta, Kete. You can find her link in the first note.

Sam spent the next few weeks hiding behind his books, simply because it was the only thing he felt he could do. His friends had asked him countless times what was wrong and even though it was obvious that they knew he was lying, Sam kept telling them the same thing; that he felt bummed out about not getting a 100 per cent on their latest test and therefore wanted to study harder so he could do better in the next one. 

Over the next three months, he stopped coming home for holidays and vacations, not feeling like socializing with his family while feeling this way. And by that he meant not feeling like socializing with his dad. Not seeing Gabriel anymore left Sam emotional and vulnerable and the last thing he needed was another fight with his old man. He’d probably just end up crying. It would be a disaster.

But of course his absence led to heavy discussions with Dean on the phone.

_"What the hell is up with you? We never see you anymore!”_

_“I know, Dean, I’m sorry. There’s just so much—“_

_“You can stick those lame excuses up your ass and come home.”_

_“I’m not going to do that.”_

_“Yeah, you are.”_

_“Dean, you can’t tell me what to do. That time is over.”_

_“All I’m asking is for you to tell me the truth.”_

_“I’m just busy, that’s all.”_

_“Shut up.”_

_“It’s true!”_

_“It’s not. You promised to come help me work on that car.”_

_“You don’t even want me to.”_

_“Yeah, I do.”_

_“Since when?”_

_“Since now.”_

_“Since I don’t come running every time you call?”_

_“Since now, Sam!”_

_“The answer is still no.”_

_“What the hell happened to family, huh?”_

_“Nothing. I told you I’m busy.”_

_“Yeah, and I told you you’re full of shit.”_

_“I don’t want to talk about it.”_

_“I’m worried about you, Sammy.”_

_“Don’t be. I’m fine.”_

_“Does it have something to do with you sneaking out?”_

_“No.”_

_“It so does.”_

_“Dean.”_

_“Who’ve you been seeing?”_

_“I—No one! Why are you spying on me?”_

_“I’m not. Benny said he saw you out one night. A school night.”_

_“Great.”_

_“How often does this happen?”_

_"Never.”_

_“You mean not anymore.”_

_“Maybe. Shut up.”_

_“Talk to me, man.”_

_“I’m gonna go now. Say hello to dad and Bobby for me.”_

_“… Yeah, okay. Take care, Sammy.”_

_“Yeah, you too.”_

Those conversations always left Sam feeling guilty. Dean was just worried about him but there was nothing he or anyone else could do about this. Besides, telling him about Gabriel would do no good. He’d only be furious to hear his baby brother had had an affair with someone eight years older than himself and frankly Sam would take angry phone calls over that anytime.

 

* * *

 

By the end of August – almost 11 months after he and Gabriel had broken it off – Sam felt like things were finally turning out the way he wanted them to. The older man rarely crossed his mind and when he did, Sam would smile and shake his head at the memory. It sure had been a happy one, at least most of the time, but now he’d moved on and he’d accepted the fact that they were probably never going to see each other again.

One morning he stood in the kitchen, looking through the contacts in his phone, and stared at Gabriel’s name for a long time. He remembered their first night together. They’d entered the other’s apartment around three in the morning, completely wasted and laughing at a joke Sam didn’t remember. He vaguely remembered sitting down on the floor to take off his shoes without losing his balance and Gabriel joining him down there.

Gabriel had tried to sneak his hand into Sam’s pants but he’d swatted it away and the man hadn’t tried again. After a rather long making out session they’d somehow ended up on the couch each with a glass of wine and spent the rest of the night talking. They’d exchanged embarrassing stories and talked about their families. Most of the night was a blur but Sam did remember parts of their conversation. He wet his lips and smiled to himself as it came back to him.

_“’Kay, so this one time…” Gabriel looked at Sam with a grin, swaying in his seat. “… I w’s really wasted… And hammered.”_

_“Dat’s deh same thing,” interrupted Sam drunkenly, holding up his index finger and looking proud over correcting the other man who made a wild hand gesture before continuing._

_“Right. I washh wasted… And there was dis gurl, y’know. I wanted to impress ‘er, ‘cause she was really hot. Like_ really _hot,” said Gabriel, eyes widened slightly and nodding._

_“So whaddid ya do?”_

_“Told ‘er I was prince of ‘merica.”_

_“No way!” Sam slammed his hand down on Gabriel’s upper thigh a little harder than intended but the other didn’t seem to notice._

_“Yesh ways,” confirmed Gabriel._

_“Whaddid she do?”_

_“Said shew’s President of Antarctica.”_

_“But they don—“_

_“I know!”_

_“Dat’s rude.” With those words, Sam emptied his glass in one go and put it away before he turned his attention back to Gabriel and continued, grinning slightly. “Did ya git som’?”_

_Gabriel shook his head, looking almost sad. He then leaned in, his nose barely an inch from the younger boy’s. The serious expression on his face made Sam’s smile fade and they looked each other dead in the eyes._

_“Puked.” He said dramatically after a few moments of silence. “All over deh bahr.”_

_Sam failed to hold back a laugh and it came out loud and pig-like. Seconds later, Gabriel was laughing just as hard and he fell on the floor, knocking over his own glass of wine as he did so but even as it dripped down on the carpet, neither of them cared; they were too busy laughing. It went on until the glass was almost empty and Sam was pretty sure you would still be able to see the patch._

 

“Sam?”

Sam jerked as his thoughts were interrupted by a familiar voice and he quickly put his phone away before looking up. Jess entered the kitchen, wearing a thin nightgown and her bright pink bathrobe which was open at the front.

“You’re up early,” she stated as she stopped up right in front of Sam. Looking concerned, she pushed a strand of hair away from his face and touched his cheek affectionately. “Everything alright?”

“Yeah, I’m… Yeah. I just couldn’t sleep,” Sam assured her and although Jess didn’t look entirely satisfied with the answer, she didn’t say anything more about it. Sam placed a gentle hand underneath her chin and tilted up her head so he could kiss her. When he could feel her smiling against his lips he pulled away just enough to look her in the eyes.

“Everything’s fine,” he muttered, just for the sake of it. Jess nodded and glanced down for a brief moment before her eyes met Sam’s again.

“Good,” came the low response and Sam opened his arms, letting Jess rest her head on his chest before he placed a kiss on top of her head.

By the time they’d finished breakfast, Sam had forgotten everything about Gabriel. He was happy. Jess made him happy. And he loved her more than he’d ever imagined he would.

Right before they left for class, Sam stood in their bedroom. When he was sure Jess was busy in the bathroom and wouldn’t come out anytime soon, he pulled open the top drawer and from beneath his socks and underwear he pulled out a tiny black box. He studied the ring inside it for a while, smiling. It was nice and simple with a small stone in the middle. It was perfect.

The sound of the hair dryer being turned off pulled Sam back to reality and after one last glance at the ring he put the box back in the bottom of the drawer.

“I’m ready,” he said quickly, holding up a pair of socks as Jess came back out. She looked at him weirdly and shook her head before picking up her backpack and walked out the door. Sighing, Sam dropped the socks on the floor and followed her out.  


	5. I Do Not Have a Problem!

Gabriel groaned loudly as he slammed into her with a hard, deep thrust, nails digging into the already red skin around her hip bones in an attempt to steady himself, making sure he didn’t fall over. He pulled out so only the tip of his cock was inside her before slamming back in, repeating the action. This had been going on for hours now, each round with a new position. He could see Kali shaking slightly; her dark hair was wet with sweat and her arms had given up long ago and were no longer holding her up. Instead she lay with her face buried in the mattress, suppressing the moans that occasionally escaped her lips, and ass in the air. Gabriel’s own crotch was sorer than ever and he figured it would be even worse for her. Not that he cared much about it. All he wanted was to not think and sex was the perfect way to accomplish just that.

Since he and Sam had split up, Gabriel’s life had been a downward spiral. At first he had tried to convince himself that it was because of his pride but deep down he’d always known it wasn’t true. The whole idea of the arrangement was for him to not have to deal with feelings and commitment but it turned out he cared more about Sam than he thought he did.

Of course it was too late now; there was no way he was going to try to contact Sam again. And even if he wanted to, it wasn’t an option; hours after the other had left his apartment for the last time, he had deleted his number to make sure he didn’t do anything stupid. Knowing himself well, Gabriel was very well aware that a few glasses too much could turn him into a sentimental wreck whenever he was struggling to get through a tough period. And that was the absolute last part of him he wanted Sam to experience.

Now, Gabriel wasn’t exactly known for making good decisions so of course he didn’t handle this situation in a very rational way. Instead he used alcohol and sex as a way of escaping reality, even if it wasn’t for long. This was when his job as a bar manager came in handy. His older brother, Lucifer, ran a bar downtown and he’d hired Gabriel to do most of his work because he didn’t really believe in working for his own money. The bar was so successful that he had money enough to make other people do it for him. That combined with Lucifer’s complete lack of interest in his brother’s wellbeing led to Gabriel getting drunk night after night, sometimes alone in his office, sometimes in the bar. He’d stopped bringing anyone home; now he preferred quickies in one of the restroom stalls, Kali being the only exception. That, however, Lucifer cared about and he’d yelled at Gabriel to get his shit together more than just once, not trying to hide the fact that he wouldn’t hesitate to fire him the day he stopped being able to do his work. Just for the sake of not ending up living on the street, Gabriel did do an effort to get his shit together and it worked… More or less.

The familiar sensation of something building up inside him, something big, made Gabriel’s whole body shudder, hands gripping Kali’s hips even more tightly than they had previously, and before he knew it, he came with a low grunt, feeling more pain than pleasure, and he knew he wouldn’t be able to take another round anytime soon. Apparently Kali felt the same way; only a few minutes after Gabriel had pulled out of her, she slipped out of bed and started looking around for her clothes.

The man had collapsed on his back on top of the sheets with a sigh, his heavy breathing, in addition to Kali’s, filling out the silence in the room. The soft material felt wet and sticky against his back as he was soaked in sweat but at least now he could rest. He never quite understood why Kali always insisted upon leaving right after, knowing he definitely wouldn’t have the strength to. Perhaps it was the fear that Gabriel might grow attached to her as he had back when they were in High School. Their breakup had been the number one gossip topic for months as Gabriel was known as the man whore of the school, still Kali managed to break his heart by cheating on him. He’d caught them in action in Kali’s own bedroom and no matter how much she tried to deny it he was convinced there had been more than just that one guy.

But they weren’t in High School anymore and Gabriel most certainly wasn’t in love with her. The only reason he’d wanted to see Kali again was that she was an easy booty call that he wouldn’t have to spend time flirting with or buying drinks for; neither would he have to worry about giving her false hope as he knew she didn’t want anything more than to fuck. And that was fine, really.

After having watched her crawling about on the floor for some time, mumbling words of irritation, Gabriel pulled out her bra from underneath the covers and threw it at her.

“Asshole,” Kali muttered, sparing him a glare.

“Love you, too,” he replied tiredly, causing Kali to pause and look at him with narrowed eyes. “Kidding,” he added, rolling his eyes. “God forbid I ever go there again.”

Kali didn’t answer.

In a matter of seconds, she was fully dressed and on her way out of Gabriel’s bedroom. He turned his gaze to the ceiling, his eyes fluttering shut for a brief moment while taking a deep breath as he heard the door slam shut. Alone again. Before he had time to think too much, Gabriel leaned over the edge of the bed and pulled out a half-empty bottle of whiskey from under it, not hesitating to take a swig.

Still exhausted from the… Three, four… He’d lost count… Rounds of sex and with the alcohol running in his blood, he managed to fall asleep quickly, letting himself be dragged into a peaceful state of mind, swallowed in a series of meaningless, yet cheerful, dreams.

 

* * *

 

Gabriel was woken up by the sound of Candy Shop by 50 cent playing loudly somewhere next to him. He groaned into his pillow as he reached out for his phone to answer the call.

“What?” He muttered in a sleepy, slightly irritated voice.

“Are you sleeping?” The familiar voice of his little brother, Castiel, wasn’t nearly as friendly as usual.

“Was,” he replied, turning his head so he wasn’t talking directly into his pillow anymore.

“It’s 5 pm,” Castiel informed him. Gabriel slowly opened his eyes and sighed.

“What do you want?”

“I talked to Lucifer.” Of course, that explained the tone in his voice. When Gabriel didn’t say anything, the other continued. “He told me about your drinking problem.”

“What problem?”

“Gabriel.”

“What?” He snapped, though regretting it immediately as he heard Castiel’s soft sigh.

“He may not care about it, but I do. What happened?”

“What do you mean ‘what happened’? Nothing happened. I’m fine,” he said quickly.

Another sigh. “I’m not stupid.”

“I know you’re not.” He really wasn’t. Gabriel considered telling him about Sam but the memory was too embarrassing and painful. It was better if he didn’t.

“You used to tell me everything.” Castiel didn’t sound annoyed anymore; his tone of voice had changed to genuinely concerned and it made Gabriel feel like the worst person ever.

“I’m just not feeling that well,” he replied after a few seconds of awkward silence. Castiel’s response was immediate.

“Do you want me to come over?”

“No, I’m just… No.”

“Oh. Okay,” said Castiel quietly, a hint of disappointment in his voice, and Gabriel understood why. Both of their parents died in a car crash when Gabriel was 12, leaving him to take care of his 7-year-old little brother. Lucifer was 21 back then but he never cared much for their family. He’d just opened his bar and that seemed to be more important to him than anything else. Perhaps that was why Gabriel and Castiel had become so close. They always looked out for each other and always told each other their deepest and darkest secrets; they were brothers and best friends. Gabriel had been the one to teach Castiel how to throw a proper punch when he found out a boy from his class made fun of his name, and Castiel had been the one to sit up a whole night to comfort Gabriel after the breakup with Kali even though he was supposed to study for a test. Before their parent’s death, Gabriel didn’t care much about his younger brother; in fact, he looked at him as a burden, probably because Castiel’s kind nature and seeming innocence made him slightly jealous. You couldn’t find two people more different than the two of them even if you tried, but the tragic accident had made Gabriel see through all that and finally opened up to the boy who had wanted a place in his heart for so long and before they knew it, they were inseparable. And now Gabriel was about to throw all that away by lying to him. The other obviously knew he was hiding something but he just couldn’t get himself to say it. Gabriel took a deep breath before answering him.

“Look, I’ll call you tomorrow, okay?” Lie. That was a lie and they both knew it.

“Okay,” said Castiel, sounding even more disappointed than he had before.

“Bye, Cassie,” he muttered and hung up. God, did he feel like shit. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> It will probably be a few days before the next chapter comes up as I'm graduating on Monday and a lot of things happen. I'm sorry. I hope you liked it, though! The smut will be more detailed later on, I just felt like this needed some explaining.


	6. There is no Such Thing as a Happy Ending

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm so sorry it took me so long to upload this. I had my final exam followed by a lot of graduation stuff and parties but I'm back on track now! Hopefully the chapters will be up a lot faster from now on. Only procrastination is stopping me. 
> 
> This chapter is unbeta'd as Kete is on a vacation but I'll send it to her when she gets home and correct the mistakes as soon as possible.

It was the first week of September. The wind was cold and sharp, feeling almost painful on Sam’s cheeks, but he didn’t pay much attention to it. All his focus was on the white coffin covered in colorful flowers that was standing right in front of him. The priest was talking but Sam had no idea what he was saying; he had blocked everything around him out and was observed in his own thoughts. He wanted to cry but couldn’t. It felt as though he has no more tears left.

Sam was forced back to reality as he felt Dean’s elbow nudging him in the side and he looked up at him, quickly folding his hands as the others had before the priest spoke on.

"Lord our God, you are the source of life. In you we live and move and have our being. Keep us in life and death in your love, and, by you grace, lead us to your kingdom, Through your Son, Jesus Christ, our Lord."

Sam could feel his stomach turn; mostly he just wanted to scream as loud as he could that it wasn’t fair; that this shouldn’t have happened. Not to her. She was so young and they were so happy. What had he ever done to deserve this?

"Amen," finished the priest and the small crowd of people surrounding the coffin repeated the word.

“And now…” Everyone was quiet; all that could be heard was the wind in the trees and small sobs coming from Jessica’s mother every now and then, though she tried to keep it down with a pocket handkerchief. “… I will give the word to Sam Winchester.”

Sam cleared his throat, clutching the notepaper in his hand as he slowly walked up to stand where the priest had stood moments before. He could feel a comforting hand on his shoulder that let go after he’d taken the first step and figured it was Dean’s. He took his time to unfold the note and skim through the first part before turning his gaze to the crowd, eyes meeting Mrs. Moore’s. She gave him a reassuring smile and a small nod. Then he started talking.

“Albert Einstein once said, ‘There are only two ways to live your life. One is as though nothing is a miracle. The other is as though everything is a miracle’. Jess lived by the last one. Never in my life have I met a person more cheerful and endearing than her. After my very first conversation with her, I knew that girl was going to change my life. And she did.” The last sentence came out a little hoarse and Sam cleared his throat again before continuing.

“I remember sitting in the library for the fifth evening in a row. I was going through a tough time; I didn’t want company, neither did I want to be alone. Jess had been studying for an exam with one of her friends; I’d seen her but not talked to her. That was until the fifth night when she stayed behind to sit with me. She asked me if I was okay so I nodded. I could tell she knew I was lying but she didn’t ask about it, instead she talked about the book I was reading, Karen Joy Fowler’s ‘We Are All Completely Beside Ourselves’. Jess had only just met me but it felt like I’d known her for years. Our conversation lasted for hours and she made me forget about my worries for a while. That was the beginning of our relationship and I’ve never…”Sam stopped talking as he felt the tears filling up his eyes again. Mrs. Moore was crying again. He looked away from her and took a few deep breaths, managing to hold back the tears.

“I’ve never loved anyone the way I love her. She brought me happiness and comfort in a way no one else could. And for that I’m thankful.”

The note in Sam’s hand suddenly felt heavy and the tears in his eyes made it almost impossible for him to make out the words he’d written. Still, he continued to talk. “But Jess wasn’t only there for me. Whenever someone needed a shoulder to cry on or a piece of good advice, she was always the first person to reach out to them, and I loved her for that, just as everyone else did. She was close with her family who took me in as if I was their own son and I became a part of something I’d always felt like I’d missed out on, even if I didn’t get the chance to see them very often. I stopped wondering how Jess had become such a strong and goodhearted woman, because the answer was in her family who are just as gifted as she.” He looked over at Jessica’s parents; they were both crying silently. “Losing Jess is a tragedy for everyone. She had so many ambitions. She was young and happy and about to become an amazing doctor. Her absence is a loss even for people who did not know her. What’s important is to remember Jess exactly like she was. Yes, the memories can be painful, but it’s also the happiest memories I have. Thank you.” Sam crumpled up the note, clutching it in his hand and walked back to stand beside Dean. He’d forgotten half of what he’d intended to say but it didn’t matter. At this point, nothing mattered. Most of the crowd had tears in their eyes, and Dean patted his shoulder and sent him a small smile.

“You okay, Sammy?” He said quietly and Sam shook his head before quickly looking away from him.

The priest walked back to stand in front of the coffin and after a few moments of almost complete silence, he started talking.

"In the Name of God, the merciful Father, we commit the body of Jessica Lee Moore to the peace of the grave." He picked up a handful of earth and let it fall onto the top of the coffin three times. His voice was loud and steady as he said the words, "From dust you came, to dust you shall return. Jesus Christ, our Saviour, shall raise you up on the last day.”

The rest of the ceremony was slow and painful. Sam didn’t really want to be there, he just wanted to go home and grieve. It was hard being around so many people after what had happened, even when they were all kind and understanding, so it was a relief when the priest said his final words:

"Receive the Lord's blessing. The Lord bless you and watch over you. The Lord make his face shine upon you, and be gracious to you. The Lord look kindly on you and give you peace; In the Name of the Father, and of the Son and of the Holy Spirit."

"Amen.”

Seeing the bright white coffin in the ground was harder than Sam had ever imagined it would be. This really was the last goodbye. Jessica’s closest family members and friends took turns in saying their farewells, each and every one of them in a voice stifled with sobs and Sam wasn’t sure if he could get out another word without losing it completely.

 

* * *

 

It was early in the afternoon when Sam came back home after his law school interview. He wasn’t exactly sure how to feel about it. It had gone great but today it was exactly two years since he’d attended Jess’ funeral so it somehow didn’t feel right. It was what she had wanted, though. Sam knew that. She wouldn’t have wanted him to waste his time feeling sorry for himself and he knew she would have been proud of him. Her parents were. Sam felt guilty for not having seen them in a while; he kept coming up with lame excuses simply because it was too hard. They talked about Jess none stop and though Sam thought about her all the time, it was too hard. A part of Sam needed closure although he wasn’t sure how to get it.

He sat down on the edge of his bed and looked at the picture of the two of them on his nightstand. It had been taken on Christmas day three years ago. Jess was wearing a red jacket with a colorful scarf and matching mittens. Sam’s jacket was black but it was about the only thing he was able to see as Jess was smearing snow all over his face while laughing. It had been a good day. After having played around in the snow like kids they had gone back inside and watched a movie with a mug of hot chocolate each. The night had ended with two rounds of sex before they fell asleep next to each other, happy and in love. It felt weird being so close to someone he’d only known for a year but still Sam was sure that if Jess hadn’t died, they would still be together, hopefully engaged or perhaps even married.

Sam jumped up as his phone rang and he had to detach himself from the happy memory. The name on the screen told him it was Dean and for a moment he considered ignoring it and just call him back later, but the thought of Dean being worried made him change his mind and he picked up the phone just before his brother got the voicemail.

“Hey,” he said quietly as he sat down again, leaning back against the headboard of his bed.

“Hey, Sammy! How did the interview go?” Dean sounded excited; it was obvious it wasn’t the law school interview he’d called to talk about.

“Uhm, good, I think. What’s up?”

“Just wanted to check on my baby brother,” replied Dean, “make sure you were okay.”

“I’m fine,” Sam assured him. “Now why did you really call?” He could hear his brother sigh at the other end of the phone and after a short pause he continued.

“I’m seeing someone,” he said. Sam expected him to say more but he didn’t.

“Oh? That’s good, I guess. Who is it?”

“Just a… Guy I met.” Well, that was unexpected.

“A guy?”

“Yeah. Surprise.” Sam could hear from Dean’s voice that he was nervous about his reaction so he didn’t hesitate to reply.

“That’s great, Dean. I’m happy for you.”

“You are?”

“Of course. Do I know him?”

“No, I don’t think so. His name is Cas… stiel. Castiel.” Dean said, voice not nearly as strained as it had been seconds before.

“Alright. How long have you been seeing him?”

“Almost three months. Look, Sam… I want you to meet him.”

“To… Meet him?” Sam cracked a smile at that. Dean had never specifically asked him to meet any of his girlfriends before, and he definitely hadn’t had any other relationship that lasted more than a month, so he figured this Castiel guy had to be something special.  

“Yeah. We want to invite you to dinner on Friday. I’ll make the homemade burgers you love. One of Cas’ brothers is coming as well.”

“Oh, uhm, okay. I’ll be there,” said Sam, scratching the back of his neck. He could almost hear Dean smile through the phone as he spoke.

“Really? Awesome! Be at my place at six.”

“Okay. I’ll see you on Friday then.”

“See ya, Sammy.”

Sam hung up and took a while to just sit there and stare at his phone. Dean had a boyfriend. A boyfriend whom he wanted Sam to meet for dinner. A family dinner. This sure had been an unusual day. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay, so before anyone points it out; I fucked up. I know Jess dies like two years later than I made her. I wanted to correct it but then I remembered the scene in which Sam looks at the engagement ring and I just figured two years would be a long time to keep it without actually proposing. So I'm sorry about that, especially because they have only known each other for a year so it's pretty soon no matter what and all that, but hey, they're young and in love so it's not that unrealistic. 
> 
> I would also like to apologize for this chapter in general. It was extremely difficult to write out the funeral. I had to look up how they go in America as I have absolutely no clue except from what I've seen on TV. The things the priest say are from the internet. I had to look it up or I would just fuck up even more. And I know Sam's memorial speech is kind of short and lame but it's all you get. Remind me to never actually make a speech like that myself. 
> 
> Maybe I can cheer you up by saying that the next chapter will be interesting and there will be smut very very soon!


	7. Family Dinner

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Again, this chapter is unbeta'd because Kete still hasn't returned so please bear with the mistakes.

It was 4 pm when the sound of Gabriel’s alarm clock broke the silence in his bedroom. Groaning, he reached out and turned it off. If it hadn’t been for today meaning the world to Castiel, Gabriel would have gone right back to sleep. He’d been out all night doing God knows what and had returned home at 7 in the morning. Of course he hadn’t been able to sleep; the drugs he’d taken kept him up for another few hours before he finally collapsed on top of his bed and slept in.

Perhaps he could just make up some excuse. Truthfully, he felt like shit, so it wouldn’t even be a lie if he called to say he was sick, but he couldn’t get himself to do that. Despite everything that was going on at the moment, disappointing his little brother was still something he would very much like to avoid. Besides, none of this was Castiel’s fault. He’d called several times a day over the last few weeks to check up on him, but most of the time Gabriel had either not heard the call or been too far gone to answer it. Worried as he was, Castiel would often come over and Gabriel hated himself for letting the one person he was close to see him like that. The worst was when Castiel couldn’t hold it together anymore and started crying. He wanted Gabriel to get into rehab but though he knew he needed it, he didn’t want to. Everything was so much easier this way and as selfish as he knew it was, Gabriel refused to get out of it.

At 4:41, Gabriel managed to drag himself out of bed and to the bathroom. A shower; he needed a shower. He turned on the water and stripped out of his clothes, leaving them in a pile on the floor on top of all the other dirty clothes he had not had the energy to wash. The hot water made him even sleepier and he switched over to cold. It felt like ice cubes down his bare back but it was surprisingly refreshing. Just a few hours, he kept telling himself. Then he could go home and get drunk again.

 

* * *

 

6:23. Okay, so he was a little late. No biggie.  

A glance at his phone told him that Castiel had called five times and Gabriel could feel his stomach flip with guilt.  Taking a deep breath, he reached out and rang the doorbell. He didn’t have to wait long before someone opened the door and Gabriel stood face to face with an, admittedly, handsome man, probably in his mid-20s. He had a strong jawline, short, messy hair in a dark blond color and soft, emerald green eyes. He was way taller than Gabriel but probably only a few inches taller than Castiel. It had to be Dean.

“You must be Gabriel,” said the man. His voice was surprisingly deep and he didn’t sound too pleased which, Gabriel figured, had something to do with him being late and worrying little Cassie. As an answer to his question, Gabriel just nodded and held out his hand. Dean looked like he wanted to say something but decided against it and instead shook the smaller man’s hand.

“I’m Dean,” he said and stepped aside to let Gabriel inside. He kicked off his shoes by the door and followed Dean further into his apartment.

The others were gathered in the living room and Gabriel had barely entered it before Castiel was all over him. What he said, Gabriel didn’t know. He was too busy staring at the tall, dark-haired man on the chair next to the window with wide eyes and an open mouth. When Castiel noticed where he was looking, he took a step back and led his brother a little closer to the man.

“Gabe, this is Dean’s brother, Sam, and Sam, this is my brother, Gabriel,” he said, clearly not noticing how panicked both parties seemed to look.

Sam cleared his throat and reached out to shake Gabriel’s hand. “Nice to meet you, Gabriel,” he said in an almost normal voice.

Unbelievable. The fucker was just going to pretend nothing had happened.

“The pleasure is mine,” he replied, tightening his grip on Sam’s hand as he looked at him intensely, eyes narrowed. The strong gaze made Sam withdraw his hand and look away. Castiel sent them a questioning look but before he could say anything, Dean appeared from the kitchen with a tray of what looked like homemade burgers.

“Hungry?” He asked, looking around at each of them with a bright smile.

“Starving,” said Sam and Gabriel could tell he made an effort not to look at him. To his annoyance, it continued through dinner.

Dean and Castiel talked and talked and Sam made sure to laugh at their stories and come with funny little inputs but Gabriel didn’t say a word. He merely ate in a passive aggressive manner, occasionally glancing at Sam who continued to ignore him. However, that couldn’t go on forever. Eventually Dean turned to him, clearly doing his best not to sound as though he wanted to murder him for worrying Castiel.

“So, Gabriel… Cas says you work in a bar with Lucifer.” Gabriel looked up at him and quickly finished chewing his food before swallowing it.

“Uh, yeah,” he replied, praying Dean wouldn’t mention his drinking problem. He wasn’t even sure how much Castiel had told him. Dean nodded and took a sip of his water before looking back into his eyes.

“Must be interesting. So you meet a lot of new people then?”

“Sometimes, yeah,” he replied, shooting a glance at Sam who pretended to be very interested in his food. If only he could just go home. It was a nightmare having to sit there and be ignored by the younger man whom he used to know so well.

“You know, if you want something else, I should be able to get you a job in the garage,” Dean continued. It took Gabriel a small while to realize what he was talking about and then vaguely remembered the other being a mechanic in his uncle’s garage. Surely the job offer wasn’t his idea. Gabriel sent Castiel a long look and he could see him shifting uncomfortably in his seat.

“It might be a good idea, Gabe,” he said a little carefully. Gabriel clenched his jaw and turned his gaze back down to his half-empty plate.

“Yeah. The salary isn't bad and the working hours are great,” continued Dean.

“It’s not even too far away from your apartment, Gabe. Twenty minutes in a car, tops,” added Castiel. The two of them kept mentioning all the good things about working in – what was the guy’ name? Bobby? Weird as hell – well, his garage and Gabriel didn’t really get a chance to come with his own opinion about it until eventually he broke in.

“I don’t need a new job. For God’s sake, just leave it!” He said angrily, raising his voice. An awkward silence filled the room and though Gabriel didn’t look at them, he could feel the others exchanging looks. Why couldn’t they just stay out of it? He didn’t want their help, dammit.

Sam was the one to break the silence with a nervous, “the burgers are delicious, Dean!” and Castiel followed with a “yes, they’re wonderful. You should make these more often.” Gabriel huffed and put down his knife and fork. Placing his elbow on the table, he rested his chin on his open palm. Eventually the others went back to having a normal conversation and Gabriel went back to pretending he wasn’t there. Fortunately for him, they let him.

After another half hour, Dean got up to take their plates to the kitchen and Castiel was quick to offer his help. Looking slightly panicked, Sam asked if there was something to do but Dean’s kitchen was small so there wasn’t room enough for more than two people working in there at a time, so Sam sunk back in his chair with a small sigh that only Gabriel noticed.

A few minutes later, Dean and Castiel had cleaned off the table, only leaving their glasses and then went to the kitchen to do the dishes, leaving Gabriel and Sam alone in an awkward silence. However, Sam never quite managed to live through awkward silences. Gabriel could see him wetting his lips and changing position a few times before he finally spoke.

“So, uhm. How have you been?” Gabriel snorted and looked up at him with a dark expression.

“You really have to ask?” He replied, making Sam look even more uncomfortable.

“Dean and Cas told me about your, uhm… Problem,” he continued.

“Yeah, well they don’t know shit,” Gabriel shot back a little harsher than he’d intended. Sam sighed.

“They’re just trying to help.”

“Well, they’re not,” muttered Gabriel and looked away from the other and out the window. Sam didn’t say anything and honestly he couldn’t blame him. The smaller man chewed on his lip, eyes still fixed on the street on the other side of the window as he spoke again.

“Are you really that ashamed to have been with me?” It was a few moments before he got his answer and it came in a low, soft voice.

“Of course not. I just… You don’t know Dean.”

“So?” Gabriel finally looked back at him, eyebrows raised. “It all happened a long time ago, Sam. Three years, to be exact.”

“Doesn’t matter.”

“Fine.”

“Fine.”

Silence.

Sam took a sip of his water and sighed. Gabriel kept looking at him, not caring how annoying he was being.

“So, are you seeing anyone?” He asked, tapping his fingers on the table.

“No.”

“What a shame,” Gabriel replied, though not sounding very convincing. “Would have thought you were a chick magnet.” Sam bit his lip, suddenly looking sad.

“I had this girlfriend… Jess…”

“Aw, little Sammy got dumped?” He teased.

“She died,” said Sam shortly, looking away. Gabriel stilled his hand, trying to meet his eyes.

“I’m sorry,” he said quietly and he really was. “When—“

“It happened just over two years ago. Car accident.”

“So now you know what it’s like to lose someone.”

“What’s that supposed to mean?” Asked Sam, sounding like he was about to get angry.

“You dumping me.”

“I didn’t… We weren’t even dating.”

“Whatever, Sam.”

“It wasn’t exactly easy for me either, you know.”

“No? Then why did you do it?”

“Why the hell do you think I did it?” Sam asked, raising his voice. When Gabriel didn’t answer, he continued.

“I was sick of being your booty call, Gabe!”

“Well, you never complained before.”

“That doesn’t mean I didn’t think about it.”

“Don’t try to tell me you didn’t enjoy it,” said Gabriel with a huff.

“I did enjoy it. It just wasn’t enough.”

“You mean I wasn’t enough.”

“God, you’re infuriation.” Said Sam with a loud sigh and leaned back in his chair. Gabriel watched him for a while, neither of them saying anything. The thing was, back when all this had happened, Gabriel had understood why Sam broke it off. Sometimes he still did. But being this addicted to alcohol and sex wasn’t exactly easy and he needed someone to blame; someone that wasn’t himself.

Moments later, Dean and Castiel walked through the door. Castiel wore an expression of confusion and disbelief while Dean looked almost angry as he sat down on his seat across from Gabriel who, yet again, had a feeling he was holding something back. Had they heard?

“So, is everyone ready for dessert?” Castiel asked, looking around at all of them.

“Actually,” said Gabriel as he stood up, “I think I’m going to go home.” He’d expected Castiel to protest but for once he didn’t. He nodded once and even offered to drive him home.

“I’m sober,” Gabriel reminded him and Castiel apologized. As expected, Sam was very formal when he said his goodbye but Dean’s handshake was so firm he was afraid he was actually going to crush his hand which made Gabriel pull his hand away quickly. Castiel followed his brother out and said goodbye to him by the door, Gabriel yet again making a promise about calling that both of them knew he wouldn’t keep. He really did need a drink now.


	8. Sorting Things Out

An awkward silence filled the room when Castiel closed the door behind himself and Gabriel. Sam didn’t even have to look at Dean to know which expression he was wearing and he didn’t have to ask why to know the answer; he had heard, he had definitely heard, and Sam cursed himself for having raised his voice and not even thought about how thin the walls were.

It didn’t take long before they could hear the front door close and seconds later Castiel returned to the living room and sat down again, looking nervous, his eyes constantly flicking to Dean before quickly looking away again as if looking at him for too long would set him off… and it probably would, though Sam knew it was only a matter of time before it happened anyway.

“So, who wants desser—“ Started Castiel but Dean cut him off.

“Gabriel? You had an affair with _Gabriel?!_ What the hell, Sam? He’s like a decade older than you!”

“Eight years,” Sam corrected him calmly.

“Why?”

“Why not?” He really wasn’t in the mood for this.

“You’ve always been so responsible, what were you even thinking?” Dean continued, eyes fixed on his little brother and his hand clenched into a fist on the table. Castiel stayed quiet. He was fiddling with the end of the tablecloth but Sam could tell he was still listening to their conversation. What a nice first meeting this was.

“I was thinking that I was young and curious and wanted to explore things and Gabe… -riel helped me do that.”

“By fucking you.”

“He took good care of me, Dean. Do you really think I would just sleep with anyone?”

“No,” said Dean a little bitterly, “but apparently there are a lot of things I don’t know.”

“I’m not going to apologize for this.”

“For what? For doing it? Or for not telling me?”

“Both.”

Dean looked away as Sam said that, clearly disappointed. But it wasn’t fair. It really wasn’t fair. Sam wasn’t stupid, he knew he ran a risk sleeping with Gabriel, at least in the beginning, but so did Dean every time he hooked up with a stranger. How was this any different?

“We didn’t just have sex,” said Sam after a few moments of silence and Dean looked back into his eyes. “We only made out the first night. The rest of the time we spent talking. He never even tried to make me do anything I didn’t want and he always asked me if I was okay.” Dean didn’t say anything and Sam didn’t know what else to say. His mouth opened and closed a few times before Castiel broke the silence.

“He really liked Sam, Dean,” he said a little carefully as to not anger Dean even more. Sam didn’t know what it was but something about Castiel told him that the only reason he didn’t yell back at Dean was that he, too, was disappointed, though he couldn’t quite figure out why.

“How do you know that?” Asked Dean.

“I know because… Well, Gabe has always been up for a party but he never had a drinking problem before. That started three years ago… Around the time he and Sam stopped seeing each other.” Castiel ran his tongue over his lips. “He never talked about it but I think that’s the reason. It happened before… Back in High School when he found out his girlfriend was cheating on him. It just didn’t get as bad as now. Maybe if I’d been there for him more he wouldn’t—”

“It’s not your fault, Castiel. I’m sure you did what you could,” said Sam softly in an attempt to make him stop blaming himself.

Dean took a deep breath and sighed, his voice pretty much back to normal as he spoke again. “So you dumped him then?”

“How much did you hear?” Sam asked.

“Booty call,” he replied and Sam nodded.

“Yeah. I didn’t want to end up getting hurt.” _But I did_ , he thought to himself, _and apparently so did Gabriel_.

“You liked him? You actually liked him?”

“Yeah, I did. What’s so wrong with that?” Asked Sam, sounding irritated. Dean had no right to make it sound like he was out of his mind for liking someone.

“Nothing.” Dean huffed, again looking away. Before the conversation could go on, Sam got up from his seat.

“I’ll go home now, I have a lot of stuff to do. Thank you for the amazing dinner,” he said, looking at Dean who just nodded in response.

“I’ll follow you out,” offered Castiel, getting up as well, and the two of them left Dean alone.

“I’m sorry about…“ Began the man as they were standing in the entrance hall where Dean wouldn’t be able to hear them but trailed off.

“You don’t have to apologize; none of this is your fault. Neither of us could have predicted this would happen.”

“I guess you’re right,” said Castiel with a shrug.

“Just let him cool down a little and I’m sure it’ll be alright.” As Sam had gotten on his shoes he stood up again to look at the other man who still had this look of concern in his face.

“What about Gabe?”

“I’ll… Call him,” said Sam hesitantly. “Yeah, I’ll call him.”

“Probably a good idea, you two must have a lot of things to talk about.”

“Yeah. It’s not going to be a pleasant conversation but we need it,” he replied as he put on his jacket, and Castiel held out his hand.

“It was nice meeting you, Sam,” he said, smiling slightly, “even under these circumstances.” Sam returned the smile and pulled Castiel into a short hug before pulling away again.

“You too. We’ll have to do this another time, hopefully without all the drama.” Castiel smiled at that.

“I would like that. If you talk to Gabe, will you tell him to call me? He has made a habit of not returning my calls.”

“Of course I will.”

“Thank you. I’ll see you around then?”

“Definitely.”

Sam waved at Castiel once and then made his way down the stairs and out of the building, not sure how to feel about all of this.

 

* * *

 

When at home, Sam spent about half an hour staring at Gabriel’s name in his contacts. He couldn’t believe he’d saved the man’s number for three years and not called him even once after the night everything ended. It had been hard but Sam had moved on with Jessica whom he loved more than anything. His past catching up with him was the absolute last thing he needed but if he didn’t fix things with Gabriel, future family dinners would be unbearable and it wasn’t like this was Dean’s and Castiel’s fault.

He had to make things right – or at least try.

After five calls, just as Sam was about to hang up, Gabriel picked up the phone. For about three seconds the only thing that could be heard was him breathing through the phone.

“Gabe?” Said Sam, chewing on his lower lip.

“What?” Was the reply and Sam was reminded of how rude the older man could be. He supposed all the drinking made it even worse.

“I just wanted to… Make sure you’re okay,” he spoke on, regretting not having prepared anything. To be honest, he hadn’t expected Gabriel to answer his call.

“Cas asked you to call, didn’t he?” Gabriel’s voice was hoarse and it sounded as though he had cried. Sam couldn’t help but blame himself for that and swallowed hard as he heard Gabriel drink. Great, so he was probably drunk as well. Sighing, Sam answered.

“I think he’s glad I did but that’s not why I did it. Look, I’m sorry about tonight.”

“Sure you are.”

“I am.”

“Whatever.”

“Can I come over?” Sam didn’t even know why he asked. It was stupid and he shouldn’t but the words were out before he could stop himself and there was no way he could take it back now.

“Why?” He replied hesitantly as if he feared this whole thing was a trick.

“Because I’m worried about you, Gabriel.”

“I’m fine.”

“You’re not fine. Let me see you.”

Silence.

Sam glanced up at his ceiling, waiting for an answer that didn’t come. He shouldn’t have called.

“Look, I’m—“

“I’ll leave the door open for you.”

Before Sam could react at all, Gabriel had hung up. He looked at the phone in his hand with a frown and slowly stood up. He was really going to do this. He was going to Gabriel’s apartment for the first time in years. Of course he was terrified of doing so but he couldn’t cancel even If he wanted to, partly because he felt responsible for Gabriel’s current wellbeing and partly because there was another feeling there as well, a feeling he didn’t like to admit; a feeling of excitement.


	9. For the First Time in Three Years

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I have a feeling this is the chapter everyone has been waiting for and also the longest one so far (what can I say, I got carried away) But I gotta let you know that it's my first time writing smut, therefore I would be happy if you guys would give me some feedback. Tell me if something was good, tell me what I can do better next time. Anything, really. It would be nice to know what you all think. 
> 
> Again a huge thank to my beta, Kete. She's awesome. 
> 
> Enjoy the chapter!

Gabriel emptied the bottle of whiskey in his hand in one go and set the bottle on the coffee table in front of his couch. He couldn’t believe he’d just let Sam come over. He couldn’t even believe Sam had offered to. But of course, Sam was all about being mature and fixing this like adults. It was ridiculous.

Despite his drunken state of mind, Gabriel was able to clear his head just a little and around ten minutes later he’d manage to hide every single bottle of alcohol he had lying around the apartment – empty or not – in a cupboard in the kitchen so Sam wouldn’t see. It wasn’t exactly like he enjoyed the rehab conversations he’d had with Castiel and he honestly doubted they’d be more pleasant with Sam.

He then went to stand by the open kitchen window, hoping the fresh air would sober him up a little before Sam arrived. It was a good place to stand as he could look right down at the street where the other would drive by in his car to park it around the corner of the building. When a few cars had passed by, Gabriel realized that he had no idea what to look for. Back when he and Sam had been seeing each other, Sam hadn’t had a car, and really he just assumed that he did now.

The sound of the doorbell made Gabriel turn away from the window. Sam was here.

He wasn’t sure how long it had been since they’d talked on the phone but not too long. He couldn’t have wasted much time, unlike Gabriel three years ago. The memory brought a smile to his face but he quickly pushed it away; they weren’t there anymore. Now they were just two dudes who happened to have brothers who were dating.

Before Gabriel had time to change his mind and not let the younger man in at all, he reached out for the door handle and pulled the door open rather forcefully only to find himself staring directly into Sam’s clothed chest. Swallowing thickly, he slowly looked up to meet the other’s eyes.

Sam smiled at him, though Gabriel could tell he was nervous. He didn’t do anything to return it, just stepped away from the door and then closed it behind Sam as soon as he was inside.

No one said a word as Gabriel watched him shrug off his jacket but the smaller man knew for a fact that Sam would break the silence eventually.

He was right.

“It’s a nice place you got here,” he tried a little carefully.

Bullshit.

First of all, it looked exactly like it had three years ago when Sam had last been there. Second of all, all he could see now was the entrance hall and about half the kitchen through the open door.

Gabriel didn’t comment on it and it seemed Sam realized how ridiculous he’d sounded as he looked away and took a few quick steps into the apartment, followed by Gabriel.

His body was, if possible, even more if than it had been before, Gabriel had to give him that. His hair was a few inches longer and a little messy but in a good way. Always in a good way. The flick of his eyes and the hands fiddling with the end of his blue button-up plaid shirt told Gabriel he was nervous as fuck. He probably regretted coming there as well but it had been his own idea so at least he had no right to blame Gabriel for that.

“Look, we should—“

“Talk,” finished Gabriel for him and gestured at the couch. “Sit down.”

Sam did as told and sat down gingerly on the edge of the couch, making Gabriel roll his eyes. He watched him look around, supposedly looking for alcoholic beverages _. Hah. Too late for that, Sammich,_ thought Gabriel to himself.

“What d’you wanna talk about then?” Gabriel asked as he sat down as well, the tone of his voice telling Sam not to pick the wrong topic. Fortunately, Sam was smart enough to avoid anything that had to do with alcohol and rehab.

“Us, I guess,” he started out a bit hesitantly. Gabriel huffed lightly and raised his eyebrows.

“You make it sound like we’re some old married couple who need therapy.”

Sam chose not to comment on that.

“We need closure. We need to be able to go to family dinner and make normal conversations without it ending up like it did tonight,” he said.  

“Sounds like you got closure alright, new girlfriend and all,” Gabriel retorted, a hint of bitterness in his voice over Sam’s ability to move on from him.

“Can we… not talk about her? She’s not even here anymore,” said Sam quietly but Gabriel wasn’t finished.

“So what, Sam? It still means you moved on. Did you love her?”

“Excuse me?” Sam frowned deeply, looking like he was preparing himself for a fight.

“I said; did you love her?” Gabriel replied, loud and clear.

“Yeah, I did. Unlike a certain someone, she actually wanted to be with me.”

“I wanted to be with you,” replied Gabriel, raising his voice.

“You wanted to fuck me.”

“What the hell is the difference?!”

Sam took in a deep breath and shook his head before responding, lowering his voice a bit.

“You’re a moron.”

“I can live with that,” Gabriel muttered.

Silence filled the room and they were both doing everything they could to avoid looking at each other. Usually discussions like this would have led up to sex but they weren’t together anymore.

Exactly. _They weren’t together anymore._ Gabriel had nothing to lose. If Sam wanted it; great, if he didn’t; no harm done. He knew he still had to be careful, though, and do this wisely. He moved a little closer to Sam and finally looked at him. Hesitantly, the man returned the gaze and their eyes locked.

“I’m sorry, I shouldn’t have brought that up,” he said softly. Sam’s reply, however, was hard and cold.

“No, you shouldn’t have.”

“I was jealous,” he went on, thanking the alcohol in his blood for making him say that. He placed a hand on top of Sam’s thigh, moving it up and down quite innocently.

“Jealous?” Sam looked down at Gabriel’s hand but he didn’t swat it away. Perfect.

“Yes, jealous,” he replied, biting his lip as the other looked back up at him. “I suppose part of me didn’t want you to move on. I didn’t.” The hand was slipping to Sam’s inner thigh, rubbing circles there, and Gabriel could feel the man’s breathing become heavier with anticipation. He had him. He knew he did.

“Gabe—“

That was all he got to say before Gabriel moved in and pressed their lips together forcefully, his free hand moving to the back of Sam’s neck. The kiss was hard and passionate and Gabriel was surprised at how eager the younger man was to return it. Sam slipped his hands around his waist, pulling Gabriel onto his lap. Their mouths were still attached and they were both panting, holding onto each other desperately.

Eventually they both ran out of air but Sam made use of them pulling away from each other by removing Gabriel’s shirt, tossing it aside.

“You’ve been drinking,” Sam stated quietly. Of course Gabriel hadn’t thought about brushing his teeth before he arrived.

“Does it matter?” He asked and to his relief, Sam shook his head.  

In a matter of seconds they were continuing the kiss and Gabriel’s tongue found its way into Sam’s mouth while his hands fumbled to undo every single button of his shirt before he slid it down Sam’s long arms and left it abandoned on the couch.

“Bedroom, now,” he commanded in a hoarse voice, eyes widening in amazement as Sam easily lifted him up. Gabriel’s legs wrapped around his waist as he was carried to the bedroom and set down on top of the bed.

Feeling out of control, Gabriel flipped them over as soon as the other had climbed on top of him and he was now the one hovering over Sam, smiling smugly at him, though the other didn’t look too satisfied with the change of positions.

In an attempt to change that, Gabriel went for his neck, kissing, nipping and sucking bruises into the man’s sensitive skin. In response Sam bared his throat and groaned deeply, hands roaming over the other’s bare chest before finding his waistband. It didn’t take long before his belt and jeans were open and Sam was free to cup his growing erection, earning a soft moan from the man above him.

Gabriel moved down to suck a bruise into the skin around Sam’s collarbone, taking his time to make sure it could be seen for a long time after. When he continued down his chest, taking Sam’s right nipple into his mouth, he could feel the other’s hands drop by his sides, grasping for the sheets underneath him. He ran his tongue over the hardening nipple, sucking lightly at it while he rolled the other one between his fingers, and Sam shivered a little, his breathing turning into panting.

When Gabriel had given the other nipple the same treatment he glanced up at Sam to see he was looking down at him, struggling to hold up his head.

“Go on. Please,” he muttered. Gabriel responded by pinching his nipple, making Sam’s head fall back onto the mattress and he let out a moan. Gabriel had almost forgotten how good it felt to make the younger man sound like this. It was the most beautiful thing he had ever heard. though he had to force himself not to think about how this was probably the last time they were going to be together like this.

Gabriel pushed himself up into a sitting position where he was straddling Sam’s hips, the clothed crack of his ass making contact with the rather obvious bulge in the brunette’s pants. He rolled his hips once, twice, thrice… Sam groaned beneath him and reached up to run his hands up and down Gabriel’s thighs.

“Sam,” said Gabriel in a gentle voice, immediately earning Sam’s full attention as they made eye contact.

“I will go get some stuff. Undress for me and be ready on your hands and knees. Got it?” Sam nodded frantically and attempted to buck his hips but Gabriel’s body weight held him down, though not for long. The older man quickly slipped out of bed and went to look through his drawer with, well, all kinds of stuff for sex, in the other end of the room. He was standing with his back turned to Sam but he could hear the other move around, removing his pants.

Gabriel quickly found a condom and a half-empty bottle of lube but his eyes lingered on a string of anal beads. They’d tried a lot of interesting things in the past but not this, and Gabriel wondered if now was the right time to do so. An impatient sigh from somewhere behind him made Gabriel grab them and quickly shut the drawer before returning to Sam who was now completely naked and on his hands and knees, exactly the way Gabriel wanted him. He knelt down behind Sam, running a hand over his lower back and down to his bum, feeling the man shiver.

As he had slicked up two of his fingers with the lube, Gabriel gently pulled Sam’s cheeks apart and started rubbing his thumb over his quivering pucker. He could hear Sam take in a few deep breaths and he replaced his thumb with a slick index finger, and then pushed it past the first ring of muscles. It didn’t take long for Sam to adjust so he pushed it all the way in and, without warning, hooked it, causing Sam to jerk his hips.

Gabriel moved his finger in and out, occasionally hooking it in different angles but still not finding Sam’s prostate. Sighing, he added the second one and started scissoring them. He had his free hand placed on Sam’s hip, rubbing it with his thumb while he stretched out his hole.

Eventually, though accidentally, Gabriel pressed his finger against the right spot and the reaction was instant; Sam pushed back against his fingers and let out a loud moan. With a smug smile on his face, Gabriel kept massaging that same spot until Sam’s arms was trembling, threatening to give up under him.

“There’s something I wanted to try,” he informed Sam after a while receiving a nod as a way of showing he was listening.

“Do you want to see it first or should I surprise you?”

“Surprise me,” Sam breathed out almost instantly and Gabriel couldn’t help but smile at how much he still trusted him – at least with this.

In a quick movement, Gabriel withdrew his fingers from Sam’s hole, making him whimper.

“I suggest you give your arms a break,” Gabriel said as he noticed how they were shaking more than ever. Sam nodded and changed his position; his ass was still in the air but his arms were no longer holding him up, instead placed on each side of his face as a less strenuous way of supporting the weight of Sam’s upper body. In the meantime, Gabriel slicked up the anal beads using as much lube as possible.

When Sam was ready, he pressed the first one against his hole and, adding a little more pressure, it slipped inside.

“Do you know what this is?” Gabriel asked him, ignoring the little jerk of Sam’s hips.

“It’s not… It’s not a butt plug, is it?” Sam’s voice was shaky and Gabriel wondered exactly how hard he was, though he didn’t bother checking.

“No, not a plug,” he confirmed, pushing the second bead inside. “Guess again.”

When Sam didn’t say anything, Gabriel added the third one with a little more force and Sam whimpered.

“Beads,” he said quickly, sounding desperate. “It’s anal—“

“Yes,” Gabriel cut in “Very good. Does it hurt?” He didn’t wait for an answer and soon the fourth one was inside.

“No,” Sam mumbled, trembling, and then adding, “a little.”

Not answering, Gabriel pressed the fifth bead against his red pucker, being more gently this time. Sam hadn’t been prepared very well and the beads weren’t exactly small so he had a feeling Sam wasn’t being entirely truthful. He could even see how his hole was all stretched out.

“Can you take one more?” He asked softly, massaging Sam’s cheek soothingly. A small nod was the only answer he got but it was enough. The sixth bead could just fit in there and the sound that escaped Sam’s mouth was small and broken.

“Shit, if only we’d done this three years ago,” muttered Gabriel, mostly to himself, as he admired the sight before him. He gave Sam a while to calm down and collect himself before he grabbed the small ring at the end of the string of beads.

“Now here comes the fun part,” he said and it was the only warning Sam got before he was pulling at it, watching the beads come out one by one, their thickness stretching out Sam’s hole even more. Sam cried out, moaning into the mattress and fighting to keep his hips still. When all beads were out, Sam slowly began to relax again. Gabriel, however, was impatient; his own erection had been pressed against his pants for too long for his liking, and now he needed release. Lucky for him, so did Sam.

“Gabe,” Sam panted, holding himself completely still. “Fuck me.”

His tone of voice brought a smile to Gabriel’s face; it sounded like an order, and he hurried to get out of his pants and boxer briefs before lining himself up behind Sam who pushed his hips back impatiently as though telling him to get going and Gabriel was happy to obey.

He opened the condom with his mouth and quickly rolled it onto his dick and applied more lube before pushing inside Sam in one go, feeling his hole stretching even more around the thickness of his cock, and he stilled to give Sam time to adjust.

“Move,” the other man breathed out after what in Gabriel’s head felt like ages, and Gabriel pulled out so only the tip was inside of him before slamming back inside. They both moaned at the sensation and Gabriel repeated the action.

It was easy to hear when he hit Sam’s prostate as it made him cry out and the older man aimed to hit it again. He couldn’t help but think of how much Sam had grown since their latest hook-up. When Sam was 19 he had been young and desperate and sometimes Gabriel had made him come without even touching his dick. Now Sam had lasted for an impressive amount of time while Gabriel could already feel his own orgasm slowly building up inside him.

However, Sam was closer than he had expected him to be. When Gabriel reached for his cock to stroke him, it was leaking with precum and heavier than Gabriel could remember it ever having been before. He stroked him in a quick pace, matching his deep thrusts and Sam’s moans grew louder, much to Gabriel’s satisfaction.

“I’m gonna—“ Sam warned him just before he came with a loud cry of Gabriel’s name. His ass clenched around Gabriel’s cock, making him groan deep in his throat as he kept thrusting even after Sam had reached his climax.

A few thrusts later, Gabriel could feel his whole body shaking and he grabbed Sam’s hips tightly as he came in the condom inside him. He rode out his orgasm before pulling out of Sam who immediately let his knees slide down to lie on the bed, eyes closed. Gabriel removed the condom before he collapsed beside him, and soon the only thing that could be heard in the room was the sound of their heavy breathing as they both fell asleep.


	10. Can't We Just Go Back to Normal?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm so sorry this took forever to upload. I got accepted to uni so I've been looking for dorms or flats or whatever I could find. I'll try to finish the whole thing before the first semester starts but please don't sue me if I don't. 
> 
> Enjoy!

When Sam woke up the next morning he felt more content than he had in a long time. He was with Gabriel again and maybe – just maybe – the man would have grown enough to want an actual relationship this time. Sam couldn’t help but feel hopeful about it.

It had still been there the night before; their connection. After three long years it was still there.

Sam turned in bed, hand reaching out for the warm body somewhere next to him but instead it made contact with cold sheets. Gabriel was gone.

Sam sighed; he’d hoped for a round of lazy morning sex or at least some cuddling. He slipped out of bed, ignoring his clothes which were still spread out on the floor though he did put on his boxers before making his way to the kitchen.

A smile appeared on his face as he saw Gabriel leaned out of the open window with a cigarette dangling from his mouth. He, too, was only dressed in his underwear. Tip-toeing over the kitchen floor, Sam hugged the smaller man from behind and kissed him beneath the ear, lips lingering there as he spoke.

“Three years and you still smoke like a chimney. Do I need to remind you how unhealthy it is?”

“I don’t plan on living forever,” said Gabriel, taking a last drag before he dropped the cigarette onto the street.

“You can’t just throw it there,” Sam commented, though honestly he didn’t really care about that right now.

Gabriel huffed and smiled a little as he turned in Sam’s arms, blowing smoke into his face. Sam wrinkled up his nose and waved it away with his hand.

“Back to normal then,” he muttered, slightly annoyed that Gabriel hadn’t gotten better manners since last time they were together. However, when Gabriel leaned in to kiss him, he pressed his index finger to his lips and stepped back.

“Brush your teeth.”

“It didn’t bother you last time,” Gabriel pointed out with a smug smile.

“That was different,” said Sam. He could see Gabriel’s mouth opening and closing as though he wanted to argue but in the end he just nodded and walked past Sam to the bathroom. It was a relief that he wasn’t in the mood for another fight. Perhaps things really were going to work out this time. Feeling excited, he followed the other to the bathroom and leaned against the doorframe, watching him brush his teeth. It felt so… Normal. But in a good way; definitely in a good way.

Gabriel looked over at Sam, raising his eyebrows. A stripe of toothpaste ran down his chin, making Sam laugh softly.

“What?” Said Gabriel, voice muffled by the toothbrush still in his mouth. Sam merely smiled and shook his head.

When Gabriel had spat out and wiped his face he glanced back at Sam, mischievous smile on his lips.

“Shower sex?”

The younger man’s smile grew wider but instead of answering he stepped forward, hands on either side of Gabriel’s face as he kissed him deeply. Then he felt a pair of cold hands around his hips, which sent a shiver through his body, and before he knew it, his boxers were pulled down. He stepped out of them and allowed himself to be led into the shower. The water was turned on and he was standing just beside the stream, making out with Gabriel as if his life depended on it.

When they’d been standing like that for a while, Sam reached out his hand to discover the water had reached a pleasant temperature. He pushed the other man sideway and pressed him against the wall, feeling the water down his back and in between their bodies. He pulled away a little and looked down, surprised to see that Gabriel had removed his own underwear while he had been too lost in the kiss to notice.

He could see Gabriel following his eyes and then, without warning, his hand was wrapped around the younger man’s cock, squeezing gently. Sam inhaled sharply, letting out a hissing noise, and then Gabriel was stroking him agonizingly slow. It was embarrassing how easily the other could make him hard; he wasn’t a teenager anymore, for God’s sake, why did Gabriel, of all people, affect him so much?

“You like that, huh?” Gabriel asked cheekily, receiving another kiss just to shut him up.

Sam moved his hands down his sides, then to his back and down his bump, holding around the back of his thighs and slowly lifting him up. Gabriel’s hands instantly let go of Sam’s dick and wrapped around his neck instead, legs tightening around his waist. His was pressed firmly against the bathroom wall and the sound of a pair of moans combined with the running water filled the room as the two men grinded against each other.

Sam’s eyes were closed and he could feel Gabriel’s warm breath coming out in pants on the sensitive skin just above his collarbone. In that moment, he felt happy; really happy; no pretending, just pure happiness. Because in that moment, Gabriel was the only thing on his mind and it felt so real. The emptiness Sam had felt over the past few years was completely gone and for the second time within ten hours he was able to block out all the thoughts of Jess’ death that had been haunting him both night and day ever since it happened.

“I love you,” he breathed out, not very loud, and for a moment he thought Gabriel hadn’t heard. Then everything happened way too fast; Gabriel’s face moved away, his legs loosened around Sam’s waist as he carefully went back to standing in front of him, hands removing from around his neck; their bodies were no longer touching. Sam vaguely noticed him turning off the water as well.

“You what?” It was impossible to make out what the older man was thinking as he said that, but judging by the sudden loss of physical contact, Sam figured it couldn’t be anything good.

“I lov—“ he tried carefully, but Gabriel cut in with an “I heard” and then a thick silence filled the bathroom.

After what felt like an eternity, Gabriel spoke again.

“Last night was…”

“What? A mistake?” Sam offered, a hint of anger hidden behind the hard words.

“I wouldn’t call it that,” said Gabriel, maintaining a calm voice.

“Then what would you call it, Gabriel?”

“… Fun?” He was speaking quietly now, clearly afraid of Sam’s reaction – and with good reason.

“Fun?! Are you fucking kidding me?”

“Sam you knew that—“

“No I did not! I thought you’d grown up a little, Gabriel! I thought that you knew being with me means actually _being_ with me. _I’m not your damn chew toy!”_ At those last words, Sam slammed his hand hard against the wet tiles inches from Gabriel’s head, making the man jump in surprise, but before he had a chance to defend himself, Sam was gone. He grabbed his boxers from the floor and left for the bedroom to collect the rest of his clothes, putting it on.

When Gabriel entered the room a little later, a towel wrapped around his waist, Sam was wearing everything except his shirt and throwing around the pillows and blanket to look for it.

“Sam, this is not quite fair. How could I possibly know that you were still up for something serious?” He asked from beside the door.

Sam turned to send him a deadly glare.

“Then you could have asked!” He roared. “But you’re right, this is all my fault. I was stupid to think that for once you would take me seriously… Where is my damn shirt?!” He added, throwing the pillow in his hand back on the mattress.

“Living room,” Gabriel informed him; he looked amused that Sam was the one losing his temper. He’d never seen him like this before as Sam had always been good at handling his problems in a rational way, but then again, Gabriel had always managed to find ways to get on his nerves more than most other people.

Looking just as angry, Sam stormed past Gabriel who nearly lost his balance. He was relieved that the man at least new better than to follow him into the living room. As he pulled on the shirt, it instantly stuck to his wet skin; he hadn’t bothering grabbing a towel on his way out of the bathroom, but he was too furious to care about that.

Gabriel was waiting for him in the entrance hall when Sam returned, heading for the front door.

“So I guess this is…” Sam heard him say just before he slammed the door in his face and ran down the stairs. He could feel his eyes fill with tears but he wasn’t sure whether they were from the anger or the hurt he felt.

Inside his car, Sam finally allowed himself to break down. The tears blurred his sight before running down his cheeks in a heavy stream, leaving him a sobbing mess.


	11. A Downward Spiral

Gabriel sucked in a breath, fisting his hands as he tried to clutch at the wall he stood pressed up against. He shut his eyes and tried to block out all of his thoughts and instead focus on the hot wetness around his crotch, moving up and down in a slow, teasing pace. Gabriel couldn’t even remember the guy’s name but he was pretty sure it began with a P… or maybe a T. Not that it mattered; after this little encounter they would probably never be seeing each other ever again. He made a quick decision to just call him Blondie as his most striking trade mark was his shaggy blonde hair.

Gabriel glanced down as Blondie’s slightly cold hand went to his balls and began massaging them softly. He allowed himself to rest his head against the cold wall and swallowed hard, closing his eyes again, his breath coming out in short pants as he suppressed his moans; they were in a restroom for fuck’s sake and, even worse, they were in the restroom of his brother’s pub which meant that being too loud could cost him his job.

Apparently Blondie didn’t care much. Despite Gabriel’s silence he seemed to be doing his best to please him, though Gabriel didn’t feel at all that satisfied.

It wasn’t bad… Not at all, actually. In fact, Gabriel couldn’t tell exactly what it is that wasn’t right as he was sure he’d been more than happy with less skilled blowjobs than this. Well, he could, but he didn’t want to. He kept telling himself that wasn’t it. Of course this had nothing to do with Sam.

It had been a one night stand, nothing more. It wasn’t his fault Sam had taken it the wrong way. Why would he even want a relationship when he had this? Relationships were complicated and heartbreaking; Kali had shown him that a long time ago.

As his thoughts began to wander, Gabriel forced his eyes open to look down at the blonde hair that moved around his crotch, blocking the view. He didn’t look at all like Sam and that wasn’t exactly a coincidence. Gabriel kept looking at his hair but the longer he did, the more wrong all this felt.

If it wasn’t because it would be incredibly rude, Gabriel would had pushed the guy away and left in an instant, but he wasn’t that big of a douche.

This seemed to have been going on for a quite a lot of time and, just wanting to get out of there, Gabriel finally gave in; he closed his eyes and let images of Sam from the previous night fill his mind and for a while he was able to convince himself that he was the one kneeling in front of him.

Less than a minute and a twirl of the Blondie’s tongue was all it took for Gabriel to come; not as hard as he had when he was with Sam but harder than he would have had he been jerking off alone in his bedroom.

In those moments of bliss Gabriel didn’t register anything around him and he didn’t even know whether he was screaming out or not. All he could think about was the feeling of bliss running through him, making all his worries fade away while it lasted.

Gabriel was brought back to reality by the sound of someone calling his name.

At first he thought it was Blondie getting himself off but it didn’t take him long to realize that the voice was angry and way too familiar to be him.

“Shit,” Gabriel muttered, looking down at the man in front of him. He looked confused as his eyes locked with Gabriel’s, staying in the kneeling position while Gabriel fumbled to pull on his pants.

“ _Gabriel!_ ”

The voice was closer now. Much closer. Still Gabriel hadn’t quite given up the hope that if he just stayed there without saying anything Lucifer would eventually leave him be.

That, of course, wasn’t the case.

Blondie had to ruin absolutely _everything_ by asking “Isn’t that your name? You have a boyfriend or something?”

Gabriel could have punching him in the face; the only reason why he didn’t was that Lucifer was now pulling at the door handle of the very same bathroom stall they were currently in.

“ _Gabriel!_ If you don’t open that door right now I will kick it in! Do you hear me?!”

Blondie sent Gabriel a questioning look and Gabriel gestured for him to wipe his damn mouth while glaring before he turned the lock and looked straight into a pair of angry eyes.

“What the fuck do you think you’re doing?” Lucifer roared, angrier than Gabriel had ever seen him before. Gabriel didn’t have the time to answer before he continued.

“I have been looking for you for hours, you have a fucking shift! Do you have any idea how busy Balthazar is in the bar and you just disappear to get blown by some loser in the restroom? I could hear you out there!”

Oh, so he really had been screaming out. Gabriel could hear Blondie gasp beside him, clearly insulted, though Gabriel didn’t bother to spare him a glance.

A man, probably in his forties, entered the room behind Lucifer, sending the three of them strange looks. Lucifer looked perplexed and backed away from the stall.

“Outside. Now.” It was an order, no doubt, and Gabriel respected Lucifer too much to disobey. Without looking at Blondie, he followed his big brother outside, ignoring the looks he got from people around him. He didn’t even dare think about how he looked.

Lucifer was waiting on him outside the pub, the darkness surrounding them hiding some of the anger on his face.

“Explain,” he said coolly but Gabriel couldn’t find the words and just looked at his brother dumbly.

It didn’t take long for Lucifer to lose his temper completely and soon he had Gabriel pressed up against the wall with a tight grip on the front of his shirt.

“I said, _explain,”_ he repeated, gritting his teeth.

Gabriel gulped and spoke quietly. “I just… He was there and I…”

“Are you fucking drunk?” Lucifer asked as Gabriel’s breath reached his nostrils and the younger brother gave a small nod.

“Unbelievable.” Lucifer let go of him again so suddenly that Gabriel sank down to the ground, tired, confused and a drunken mess.

“You’re fired.”

The words cut Gabriel like a knife in spite of his state of mind. This wasn’t good. This wasn’t good at all. What would he do without a job? He was just about to protest but when he looked up, Lucifer was gone and he was left alone on the street.

A group of teenagers came out from the pub to smoke and sent him some nasty looks. Gabriel assumed he looked like a homeless prostitute or something of the kind so he didn’t really blame them.

He could feel the sting of tears in his eyes and desperately tried to blink them away. The most natural thing would be to get a cap and go home but he didn’t have the energy to care so he decided to stay until Lucifer would come out and tell him to fuck off for good.

 

* * *

 

“Gabe?”

Gabriel didn’t move. The voice seemed distant and he couldn’t take any more yelling. Not now. Not ever.

“Gabriel?”

He was slowly waking up but his mind was still a blur. He just wanted to go home and drown his misery in cheap whiskey.

“Gabe… Can you hear me? Wake up. Please.”

Something was wrong. Or right, perhaps. That wasn’t Lucifer’s voice; it was much softer; caring. Gabriel tried to talk but not even he understood the words that left his mouth.

“Oh, Gabe…”

Gabriel could feel a hand on his forehead, warm and gentle.

“Sam?” He said in a low, shaky voice, struggling to open his eyes. The streetlamp above him shone brightly, making it hard but eventually he managed to.

“Try again.”

He failed to hide his disappointment as he looked into a pair of blue eyes shining like small diamonds in the light from the streetlamp.

“Cas,” he muttered, mouth dry. “What are you…?”

“Luke called me,” his little brother explained.

“Did he—“

“He told me everything, yes,” said Castiel, both sadness and disappointment in his voice.

“Come on, let’s get you home. We’ll talk about all this tomorrow.”

Gabriel felt strong hands grab him under his armpits and slowly lifting him up. He wasn’t very drunk anymore but his legs were stiff after having slept in a sitting position for God knows how long.

With Castiel’s help, Gabriel got into the passenger seat of a car that definitely wasn’t his.

“What happened to the Ford?” He asked.

“The engine stopped working,” Castiel explained while fixing Gabriel’s seat belt. “Dean let me borrow his until he’s fixed it.”

Next thing he knew, Gabriel was holding a plastic bag in his hand. He looked up at his brother with a questioning look.

“Use it if you feel sick,” said Castiel. “If you puke in Dean’s car he will kill the both of us.”

He slammed the door shut and Gabriel sank back in his seat with a sigh.

Moments later he could hear the engine roar; they were on their way home.


	12. Admitting You Have a Problem and Letting Someone Help You Fix it

It was 7:03 am when someone knocked on Sam’s door, effectively waking him up. Groaning, he turned in bed, holding his pillow over his head and pressing down a little in an attempt to block out the sound. But whoever decided to go visit him this early certainly wasn’t going to give up. When the knocking had been going on for quite a while, getting stronger and stronger, Sam got out of bed, cursing under his breath, and put on a t-shirt over his boxers before going out to open up. He hid the lower hard of his body behind the door, thinking whoever it was wouldn’t have to actually come inside.

… He was wrong.

Opening the door, Sam found himself face to face – or rather chest to face considering the height difference between the two of them – with Gabriel.

“Gabe, what are you—“ Was all Sam got to say before Gabriel stepped into his personal space, grabbing Sam’s t-shirt by the neck and pulling him down before pressing their lips together forcefully.

Sam’s first instinct was to kiss him back and so he did. Back when he was 19 this had happened more than just once, only Sam would be the one knocking on Gabriel’s door and the older man would pull him inside and push him against the door.

Gabriel’s tongue moved over Sam’s bottom lip, trying to part his lips and that was when Sam’s sanity caught up with him and he reluctantly pushed the other away from him. Realizing the door was still open, he took a step forward and slammed it shut, wincing slightly and praying he didn’t wake up any of his neighbors.

“What the hell was that?” He asked Gabriel, suddenly feeling angry. The older man just stood there looking way too adorable for Sam’s liking. He looked like crap, sure, but there was just something about him, though Sam couldn’t work out what it was.

“I would have thought you of anyone would recognize a kiss,” replied Gabriel cheekily, making Sam roll his eyes.

“I mean why? Why did you kiss me?”

“I was hoping it might lead to sex. You know, the act of two people being intimate and—“

“I know what sex is, thank you,” snapped Sam. “And?”

“And… You don’t want that, apparently.”

“No,” Sam replied coolly. “I don’t.” Well, it was a lie, technically. He wanted the sex but what he didn’t want was the crappy feeling he’d get afterwards when Gabriel, yet again, decided it was all he could use Sam for.

“In that case…” Gabriel stepped closer to Sam again but this time he was reaching for the door handle which the younger man managed to block just before Gabriel grabbed it.

“Move,” Gabriel demanded him but Sam stayed exactly where he was. He couldn’t just let him leave now, not when it was obvious something was wrong and there had to be a reason why he’d come to see Sam and not just some random stranger he’d once met at a bar. Admittedly, Sam didn’t know much about Gabriel’s hook ups but he remembered him once saying something about catching up with the better ones every now and again.

“No. Tell me what’s going on,” Sam insisted, the thoughts still running through his head making him, if possible, even more confused. It probably didn’t help that he was still tired.  

“Nothing, I just wanted…”

“What, sex?” Sam huffed.

“Yeah.”

“You could have found someone else.”

“Which is what I’m going to do as soon as you move that giant lump you call a body away from the goddamn door.”

Sam decided to ignore the insult and instead focus on Gabriel. His eyes were slightly swollen and had probably been red as well – he’d been crying. His pupils were huge which meant he’d either had too much to drink or taken drugs. In spite of the man’s alcoholism, Sam hoped for the first one.

“Look,” he began, voice much softer now. “I’m not letting you leave until you tell me what’s going on.”

“Why do you care?” Gabriel asked, almost bitter. Sam didn’t quite understand why; _he_ hadn’t been the one thinking their relationship was finally going somewhere only to be told it was ‘just for fun’ and that it was the only thing it was ever going to be. Sam replied after a short pause.

“I worry about you, Gabe.”

“Why?” Gabriel replied shortly.

“I think you know,” said Sam quietly, glancing down so he wouldn’t have to look the other in the eyes. A lot of time had passed but Sam couldn’t help but feel stupid for feeling the way he felt. Especially after Jessica who had healed his wounds and made him so happy. If only she was still here…

“Because you love me?” Gabriel guessed. Sam looked back at him but his face was impossible to read.

“Yes…” Sam wasn’t sure if it was wise to admit this but Gabriel looked miserable and he figured knowing someone loved him at least couldn’t make things any worse.

“You don’t love me, Sam.” This time his voice was different… Broken. Sam’s voice caught in his throat and it took him a few moments to regain his ability to speak.

“Why would you say that?” He croaked out.

“You left me.”

Sam sighed. He had been sure Gabriel had known why he left him and somehow he still thought that deep down he did. However, the things he’d been through over the last few years and pulled him down, taken away the confidence he’d had back when Sam knew him.

“I left you because I loved you,” Sam said and Gabriel looked as though he didn’t understand so he continued.

“I knew I was just a hook up to you,” he explained, “and that’s fine, really, it was part of our arrangement. But I was falling for you so hard, Gabe, so I decided to get out before it destroyed me. I never knew the end of us would be so hard on you.”

Gabriel didn’t say anything for a while and neither did Sam. They looked into each other’s eyes and Sam could see his slowly fill with tears.

“You used past tense,” the shorter man said quietly, barely above a whisper. “You don’t… anymore.”

“I met Jess,” Sam said, voice quiet though stronger than Gabriel’s. “And I moved on. I loved her very much, Gabriel, I’m not going to pretend I didn’t, but when I saw you again I was reminded of all the memories we have together, and then when we… All those feelings came back to me… Hit me right in the face. I might have moved on but I never allowed myself to get closure when we stopped seeing each other, maybe because a part of me still hoped you’d come back some day and be ready to start a real relationship. Then Jess came into the picture and she gave me so much love I kind of forgot about all of this, but not permanently. After her death I started having dreams about you as well as her. I never told anyone because frankly I felt guilty about them. Like I was betraying her. I was prepared to spend the rest of my life with her, but don’t you think that what we have is nothing to me, because that’s not true. I still love…” Sam held his breath, not able to get out the last word. Gabriel’s eyes met his and before he knew it they were kissing again, though Sam wasn’t sure which one of them initiated it.

The kisses were soft and loving, perhaps even insecure; as if they were teenagers doing this for the very first time, afraid to step over some boundaries they shouldn’t.

Again, Sam was the one to pull away.

“Gabe, I can’t…” He placed a gentle hand on Gabriel’s cheek, running his thumb over the soft skin. “This is not good enough for me. I’m sorry.”

And then something unexpected happened; Gabriel started crying. It wasn’t even just a few tears running down his cheeks; they came down as a stream, his shoulders quivering with the effort of holding them back but eventually he gave up.

Sam wrapped his arms around him as he buried his face in his chest, sobbing violently and Sam started rubbing Gabriel’s back soothingly. It felt weird as he was still dressed in only his boxers and a t-shirt, but Gabriel didn’t seem to notice; he was too busy crying his eyes out, and Sam let him.

Gabriel most definitely wasn’t the person to cry in front of other people and Sam doubted he’d ever let anyone see it before him, except for when he was a kid, probably. This had to be a good sign. Sam couldn’t help but wonder whether Gabriel would have stayed if it had been someone other than Sam standing there. Even though it was selfish he hoped not. He wanted to be something for Gabriel that no one else could be and when being his boyfriend wasn’t an option, this was an acceptable alternative.

Sam could feel his t-shirt getting wetter and wetter as Gabriel kept sobbing into it and he hugged him more tightly, almost protectively.

They stood like that for a while. Not that Sam minded; he was relieved Gabriel finally came to show his emotions and hoped this somehow would help him recover or at least find the will to want to.

Even when Gabriel stopped crying, Sam kept holding him. The older man was still sniffling every now and then but it wasn’t until he pushed himself away from Sam’s chest that he let go.

“I should…” Muttered Gabriel, looking at the door, but Sam shook his head.

“Please stay. Let me make you a cup of coffee.”

Gabriel hesitated but then nodded and slowly made his way into Sam’s living room where he sat down on the couch.

Sam walked to the kitchen to make the coffee and then disappeared into his bedroom while waiting for it to be done. He put on a pair of jeans and then sat down on his bed, deciding to give Gabriel a few minutes of privacy before going back in there.

When Sam joined him in the living room with two cups of coffee, Gabriel looked better than he had before, though it was still visible that he’d been crying. He took the mug Sam held out to him and pretended to take a sip at the burning beverage.

“Do you want to watch a movie?” Sam asked him carefully, afraid Gabriel would leave if he didn’t do something to make him seem less vulnerable and as Gabriel nodded, Sam went to put in the newest Star Trek movie; one of Gabriel’s favorites.

Ten minutes into the movie, Gabriel leaned against Sam who slowly put and arm around him. They sat like that through the whole movie, drinking their coffee, but neither of them said a word. The silence wasn’t uncomfortable, though, and Sam could feel the other man relaxing. He tried to ignore the shivers that went through him with Gabriel’s warm body pressed against his.

When the end credits rolled over the screen, Sam turned off the TV and pulled away a little and turned to Gabriel, looking nervous. The conversation they were going to have wouldn’t be easy but Sam knew he had to at least try.

“Look, Gabe…” He said slowly, thinking his words through before he said them. “I know you don’t want to hear this, but… I would like you to reconsider going into rehab.”

No response, only an empty expression.  Good thing or bad thing, Sam didn’t know, but he spoke on anyway.

“I know a guy from college who went there and it really helped him, Gabe. He’s married and about to take over his dad’s company now. It was a dark time for him as well but he got through it, and I know it may seem hard and you’d probably rather handle all of this yourself but the thing is you don’t have to. There’s nothing wrong with asking for help.” Sam stopped talking and started chewing on his lip, watching Gabriel closely for any sign that he might have a temper tantrum or, even worse, leave. But he didn’t. After what Sam figured was a minute or two, Gabriel lifted his head a little to look him in the eyes.

“Will you go with me?” He asked in a small, shaky voice.

“Yes,” said Sam instantly, a feeling of relief filling his whole body. “Yes, of course. I will go with you and I will come visit you as often as you want me to.”

“Promise?” Gabriel asked, tears filling his eyes again.

“Promise,” Sam confirmed, his expression softening even more, and he could see a small smile tug at the corner of Gabriel’s lips at the word. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> As you guys can see, we're getting close to the end and I'm trying really hard not to procrastinate so I can finish this very soon. Also, I will be writing a destiel fanfic soon if some of you are interested. Hopefully it will be way longer than this one. The plot just kind of came to me with some inspiration from a book I was about to read and I'm really excited about it.
> 
> That was all for now. Again, credit to my wonderful beta, Kete, who is also an amazing friend.


	13. Project Get Better

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> First of all, I think I owe you guys a huge apology. I wanted to upload this chapter ages ago but there has just been so much and when I finally had the time to write, I was too lazy to do so. I'm really sorry, and it's even more crappy of me when the chapters aren't even that long. I will try my best to make sure it doesn't take that long to upload the last two, but that sounds like something I've said before and uni is pretty much unpredictable so I can't really set a date. However, I do know for sure that I am going to finish this thing no matter what it takes so hang in there. 
> 
> Also I want to thank all of you for actually reading this, I had never expected this fanfiction to be noticed by anyone. And thank you so much for all the nice comments, they make me really happy. You're all amazing. 
> 
> Again, a special thank you to my beta, Kete, who is, for some reason, still putting up with me. 
> 
> And now to the actual chapter...

It was three days since Gabriel had agreed to go into rehab. He wasn’t sure what had made him change his mind, at last, but he knew it had something to do with Sam. Seeing the look in his eyes was unbearable, not only because of how much Gabriel cared about the man, but because it was the same look he’d seen in Castiel’s eyes. He was tired of disappointing his little brother who had looked up to him for so long, time after time. Ever since Gabriel’s addiction began he’d been feeling guilty about letting Castiel down like that, knowing how much his drinking had affected him.

With that said, Gabriel was sick of being miserable. He would feel like shit, drink to numb the pain, do something stupid, feel guilty about it, and drink again. It was an evil cycle he hadn’t been able to break and he’d let it control his life for way too long.

Yes, this was for Castiel and perhaps for Sam as well, but mostly he did it for himself; his loved ones were just the motivation.

Gabriel had just lost his job – the only thing he’d managed not to fuck up for a really long time, but now it was over and he honestly had nothing to lose and everything to gain by going to rehab.

And now here he was, sitting in the passenger seat of Sam’s car on the way to a rehab center. They hadn’t said a word to each other for miles and Gabriel was thankful the other man didn’t ask too many questions. Right then Gabriel preferred the sound of the engine and Bon Jovi playing on the radio. It had a calming effect on him and at the same time, it was a good distraction. If only he let it be distracting enough he might not have time to change his mind before they arrived at the rehab center.

After what in Gabriel’s opinion was too little time, Sam parked the car outside a big house with a sign that said _Valley Hope_. He stared at it blankly, not moving at all. He couldn’t remember ever having been this nervous before.

Suddenly Gabriel felt a warm hand on his upper thigh and he looked sideways to meet Sam’s eyes.

“Are you ready?” Sam asked softly, offering a reassuring smile and though Gabriel wasn’t ready at all, he nodded.

 

* * *

 

“So, how are you feeling today, Gabriel?”

Gabriel looked up from his folded hands in his lap to meet a pair of friendly hazel eyes.

“I’m okay, I guess,” he replied with a small shrug of his shoulders. “Just tired.”

“How much sleep did you get last night?” Mrs. Pearson asked, still looking at Gabriel intensely, making him just a bit uncomfortable. It was now four days since Gabriel got there and so far he’d done nothing but sit still and listen to others’ conversations.

“I don’t know. Two, maybe three hours.”

Mrs. Pearson nodded and finally looked away to scribble down a few notes in her book.

“And what about your—“

“Better,” Gabriel cut her off, trying hard not to show his annoyance. He liked Mrs. Pearson, he really did, but being asked the same questions every single day was tiring. There was a reason why he’d never wanted to speak to a psychologist before.

“Would you care to elaborate?” She asked in the same voice as before, though Gabriel could tell she knew exactly how he felt about this.

He sank down in his chair with a sigh and ran his hand through his hair.

“Most of the time I’m fine but then there come these moments where I remember something… Unpleasant. And my first thought is to make it go away which I do by…”

“Drinking, yes,” Mrs. Pearson finished for him, writing down a few more notes.

“These unpleasant memories, I know you haven’t wanted to talk about them before but I need to ask you, are you ready to now?”

Silence filled the room at that question. Gabriel had no idea how to handle this; he knew it would probably be good for him to finally tell someone about the huge mess inside his head but it was the most terrifying thing he could think of, because it was something he’d never done before.

However, he trusted Mrs. Pearson and the fact that she didn’t know him personally was a good thing. She could judge him all she wanted and he’d never even know because this was her job and no matter what, she was supposed to act like a professional. Besides, the sooner he opened up and truly began working with himself, the sooner he’d get better and be able to come home again and start a new life without alcohol, as frightening as that might sound to him.

Gabriel took a deep breath and nodded. Then he started talking, starting off from the day he met Sam for the first time in the local gay bar.

 

_Bored. That was what Gabriel was. Despite his great love for expensive drinks and people who were just drunk enough to be in a good mood but not enough to act silly, he found himself almost regretting going out that night. The music seemed too loud and the place too crowded. Two guys had given Gabriel their number but he didn’t intend to call either of them. They just didn’t seem that interesting._

_When Gabriel was about ready to down his drink and leave, a tall, dark and incredibly handsome man caught his attention. Or boy, rather; he seemed to be in his late teens. He was wearing dark blue jeans and a red plaid shirt and he constantly ran his hand through his hair, eyes flicking around. It was obvious it was his first time here._

_As he sat down at the other end of the bar, Gabriel watched him talk to the bartender but as soon as she left, Gabriel grabbed his drink and made his way towards the boy, wanting to be sure he got there before anyone else. Looking like that he surely wouldn’t be left alone for long._

_“Hello there, gorgeous,” Gabriel greeted, sitting on the bar chair beside the boy, legs crossed and pointing towards him._

_“Uh, hi,” was the response._

_“What brings you here?”_

_The boy shifted in his seat nervously, not looking Gabriel in the eyes._

_“Oh, just, you know—“_

_“Your beer, Sir,” said the bartender, placing a beer in front of the other and winked before walking away._

_Gabriel turned to the boy with an expression of amusement._

_“I thought you had to be of age to order alcohol beverages,” he commented with a smug look._

_“I’m of—“ The other started, but Gabriel cut him off._

_“Are you really?”_

_Silence._

_“Or are you just really good at flirting with the bartender?”_

_At those words, the boy looked at Gabriel with a deep frown, this time not caring about making direct eye contact._

_“What do you want?” He asked a little harshly, making Gabriel smile to himself._

_“To talk to you, of course. You seemed a bit lost. First time out in the big, scary world of drunk gay people?”_

_The boy opened his mouth to reply but thought better of it and Gabriel knew he had been right._

_“Hey, it’s cool. You chose the right place. People are usually really nice here,” he said as Sam didn’t reply._

_“Not counting you, right?” Sam retorted._

_Gabriel laughed at that, making Sam laugh as well. Smile growing wider, he held out his hand for the younger boy to take._

_“I’m Gabriel.”_

_“Sam,” the other replied as he shook Gabriel’s hand a little hesitantly as though not sure if it was safe._

_“Nice to meet you, Sam.”_

_Sam raised an eyebrow and slowly pulled back his hand._

_“Yeah, you, too,” he replied, lowering his voice a little and the intense look he was giving Gabriel almost made him want to look away._

_“So it’s your first time here, then?”_

_“Is it really that obvious?” Sam asked a little sadly. Gabriel didn’t answer the question; he didn’t really have to._

_“The first time I was here,” he said, leaning in close to Sam so the boy could hear him over the music, “I got so drunk that I passed out in the bar chair and this older dude carried me outside and brought me water until I sobered up a little.”_

_“God, that sounds embarrassing.”_

_“Yeah, my brother wasn’t very impressed,” Gabriel said, smiling at the memory._

_“How old were you?”_

_“17.”_

_Sam smirked at that._

_“So I’m not the only one who knows how to get drinks out of the bartender,” he stated, running his finger around the edge of his glass._

_“Fake ID,” Gabriel explained. “I didn’t look nearly as grown-up as you do. How old are you, Sam? 20?”_

_“19,” Sam responded and raised an eyebrow questioningly._

_“27. So you still go to school?”_

_“College. I’m a law student.”_

_Gabriel whistled and looked at Sam with both of his eyebrows raised._

_“That’s impressive. Are you one of those nerdy kids, then?”_

_“Some would say,” Sam said, smiling slightly._

_The two of them spoke for a while, eventually ordering more drinks. By the time Gabriel had to excuse himself he had completely lost track of time._

_“I’m gonna have to go to the restroom for a moment. Will you be here when I get back?” Gabriel asked, not really wanting to risk Sam moving on to someone else while he was away but his bladder insisted he went and staying behind only to make sure Sam didn’t leave him would be pathetic. He wasn’t desperate._

_To his relief, Sam smiled at him and nodded, so Gabriel left the bar in a hurry to get to the restroom._

_He had been gone for less than a minute but when he returned he could see Sam talking to some other guy looking around his own age, maybe a few years older. Gabriel could feel a sting of disappointment and annoyance in his chest but it didn’t last for long. As it turned out, Sam hadn’t exactly invited the guy over. He shook his head while speaking and seconds later the guy walked away, his facial expression revealing he’d been rejected._

_Suddenly feeling a lot more cheerful, Gabriel made his way back to Sam._

_“Heya, Sammich,” he greeted, grinning widely. “Who was your friend?” He asked, pointing in the direction of the other guy with his thumb._

_Sam seemed a little confused by the nickname._

_“It’s Sam,” he corrected, “and he wasn’t my friend.”_

_Gabriel held up both of his hands in defeat and sat back down in his chair._

_“Now I really hope you didn’t drug my drink while I was away,” he half-joked but took a sip anyway._

_“Nah, I just spat in it,” Sam replied, looking serious at first, but laughed as soon as he saw the expression on Gabriel’s face._

_“Very funny, kiddo,” said Gabriel with a roll of his eyes._

_For a few minutes none of them said anything but surprisingly enough, the silence wasn’t awkward in any way. Gabriel supposed it was mostly because of the music. When the song changed and Mr. Brightside by The Killers started playing, he looked over to Sam to see him rocking slightly in his seat and singing along._

_“You like that song?” Gabriel asked, smiling brightly._

_“Love it!” Sam replied._

_“Who’s your favourite band?”_

_Sam bit his bottom lip and looked up, looking very concentrated._

_“Hmm, Green Day,” he said after a short while. “What kind of music do you like?”_

_“Let me see… There’s Rolling Stones, Metallica… Led Zeppelin, of course.”_

_“Oh, come on, you sound like my brother,” Sam commented, grinning._

_“Do I now? Your brother has good taste in music, then.”_

_“What else do you like?” Sam asked, sounding genuinely interested._

_“Rap music… Pop… You know, shit you hear in bars,” the older man replied. “It’s kind of my guilty pleasure.”_

_Sam laughed again and Gabriel was just about to ask him more questions when they were interrupted by Sam’s phone._

_“Shit,” he muttered, pulling it out of his pocket and staring at the name ‘Dean’ on the screen._

_“Who’s that, your boyfriend?” Gabriel asked, trying to make it sound as though he was just curious._

_“My brother,” Sam replied, letting the phone keep ringing._

_“Oh, the one with the nice music taste,” the other nodded. “And he can’t know you’re here?”_

_“Never.” Sam sighed in relief as his screen showed one missed call but he didn’t put the phone away._

_“He doesn’t know you’re gay?” Gabriel looked Sam in the eyes as he asked and he could feel the boy get slightly uncomfortable._

_“Oh, I don’t know if I’m…”_

_“Bisexual then?” Gabriel suggested._

_“I don’t… I haven’t really thought about that,” Sam said, breaking the eye contact as he got a text message from Dean._

_He quickly typed out his reply before slipping his phone back into his pocket and looking back up at Gabriel._

_“We should get some more to drink.”_

_Gabriel nodded in agreement and bought both of them a new drink. Sam’s came with a cherry and Gabriel just couldn’t resist. As the boy was about to take his first sip, he leaned in and whispered into his ear._

_“You’re gorgeous, Sam. Oh boy, I wouldn’t mind being the one popping your cherry.”_

_Sam made a choking noise, his cheeks turning bright red. Gabriel just smirked and leaned back in his seat. This was going to be a good night._

 

Gabriel kept talking and talking, right until he had to pause and take a deep breath in order to breathe properly. That was when Mrs. Pearson sent him a warm smile and leaned forward a little.

“I’m really happy that you’ve decided to open up to me like that, Gabriel. It’s great progress. Continue like that and I’m sure you will be on top in no time. We will continue this conversation tomorrow but for now I will have to let you go. Time’s up.”

Gabriel looked a little surprised; he hadn’t expected time to go that fast but it was good. Very good. When he left Mrs. Pearson’s office he was in a much better mood and he found himself almost looking forward to their next appointment.

 

* * *

 

“So you’re really better now, huh?” Sam asked as he and Gabriel walked around the garden of Valley Hope. It was a sunny day; one of those days where you would be tempted to go out without wearing a jacket only to regret it a few minutes later when it got chilly.

“Much better. It helps that I want to be, you know...” Gabriel bit his lip and looked up at Sam who nodded quickly.

“Yeah. I know.”

They walked along the narrow path close enough that their arms occasionally brushed, making Gabriel want to look away. He was glad that Sam cared enough to come and visit him here but at the same time he wasn’t sure what to do with that. They weren’t sleeping together anymore. They most definitely weren’t a couple. Did that make them friends? Gabriel hoped it did. Not having Sam in his life was something he didn’t even want to think about, not when they’d already been apart for so long.

“Cas was here yesterday,” Gabriel said after a short pause. “He told me he’s thinking about asking Dean to move in with him.”

Sam’s eyes widened slightly at the news but then a small smile appeared on his face, one that Gabriel recognized from years back and it made him feel all bubbly.

“Dean has never been one for commitment. Back in High School he’d just sleep around, have a few girlfriends – sometimes at the same time – but mostly just sleep around. Whenever he started to really like them, he’d end it.”

“Maybe he’s not as dumb as I thought he was,” Gabriel said with a faint smile. It was supposed to come out as a joke but it didn’t. It reminded him too much of himself; even though it was a long time ago, he could still remember the knot in his chest when he found out about Kali and how he’d promised himself not to get too involved with anyone ever again.

Apparently Sam could see something was up because moments later, Gabriel could feel a gentle hand on his shoulder, making him look up to meet a pair of friendly eyes.

“He was wrong to do that, Gabe. Yes, there are people out there who are going to hurt you, but if you spend all of your time trying to avoid those, you might miss out on someone great. Someone who really loves you.”

Before Gabriel could get himself to answer, Sam had withdrawn his hand and the moment was over. Both of them started walking again – when had they even stopped? – and this time in silence. Had Sam been talking about the two of them? For a moment it had sure felt like it. But then he remembered Jess and the look in Sam’s eyes when he’d told him about her. They were just friends. 

It was almost five minutes before anyone spoke again and, to his own surprise, it was Gabriel.

“The thing you said about Dean… Does that mean I should tell Cas to wait?”

Sam turned his head quickly to look down at Gabriel and it looked as though he had been lost in his own thoughts for quite a while, so much that Gabriel was about to repeat the question.

“Oh, no. I think it’ll be fine. A lot of things have happened since High School and he really cares about Cas. In fact, I’ve never seen him like this before. So in love,” Sam replied and looked down to watch his feet as he walked, smiling weakly.

“You’ll fall in love again,” Gabriel tried, careful not to say anything too stupid and hurt the other’s feelings. “They may not be Jess but I’m sure they’ll be great.”

Something about Sam changed at the sound of Jessica’s name; he looked almost sad, and Gabriel instantly regretted his choice of words. Maybe it was too soon to mention her unless Sam brought her up himself. Gabriel made a mental note not to make that mistake again, not when they were finally on good terms.

After that they walked in complete silence. It felt slightly awkward because Gabriel didn’t know whether Sam expected him to apologize or if he wanted to just talk about something else. He did neither but when they came back inside, dinner was ready and Sam gave Gabriel a long hug before he drove back home.

It was all going to be okay.


End file.
